Wish you could know me...

This blog is cool and all, but real people are better.

Funny thing about real people though, they have opinions. And thats where the blog is superior... it cant judge you. It wont judge you. It just lets you speak into the void, and thats all it does.

I told UC about the shit with me and CA. I haven't told anyone else but my big sis. As soon as I typed it I regretted it.

I like appearing like I have sense. And a chick that refuses to acknowledge her past beau's existance isn't exactly showing sense... especially when he's concerned about knocking her up. But I didn't try to show sense, I just told him the real.

I feel like that was a bad move.

But I needed to tell someone, and he asked me what was new more than once. I dont know if he could feel something was up or not, but I told him. I don't want to be with him, but I still value his opinion of me. I probably tarnished it with my apparent evilness. Part of me is kinda sad about that, but then the other part of me says "oh fuckin well". Because this is me, this is me when scorned. I have no use for CA, and I maintain that if I were somehow to be pregnant with his demon seed hell spawn, I wouldn't allow the shit to go a day further. The nerve of that fuck face... email me on some bullshit. Fucker.

I'm somewhere stuck between mad and empty. Norah's making me feel better though, listening to "one flight down". Kinda removes the anger and displaces the empty. Almost peaceful, but not quite. I'm so angry that I put so much value on people. I valued CA and he made me want to kill him and forget him. I value UC, and that in itself is obviously a problem, because even in my most detached state I'm concerned about what he thinks of me. I valued my ex, and I miss him still.

I feel like my hands are tied. I'm damned if I try to let someone know me, but I'm alone when I keep folks out.

Fuck. I'mma stick with the blog.