She's tired, y'all

I feel very out of it today.

I don't want to be here, but I don't know where would be better. Lately home isn't feeling like "home". Kinda feels weird. I'm not even so sure its because Granny is there. I think its just time for me to go.

I'm feeling very uncertain about everything, very much on edge. Like I want to fight. But I have no one to fight, and besides fighting ain't ladylike. And above all, I'm a mu'fuckin lady.

I wish I could figure out what the real problem is. I'm sick of saying, "oh its this disorder". Fucka disorder. I wish something could help me. I cant believe I'mma spend my whole life feeling anxious like this, or drugged up on some shit that'll probably shut my kidneys down or something heinous like that after prolonged use. What's a bitch supposed to do?

And the emptiness is back.

Its not bad, I don't feel depressed. I'm not sad. Just... empty. Empty is worse than depression to me, because depression has a point, it has a cause, I can see what it is. Emptiness is nothing. It's just here, and it's sucking me into the nothingness. I can't say I'm lonely, because when I even daydream about someone I feel like fighting. I used to take solace in my daydreams about various folks... a few of the guys here at work, the Ex, UC, and some other guys I've seen in passing, just to occupy my mind. But now I'm emotionally void or something. The scenes that I'd play out in my mind that used to make me happy bore me. I lose interest in everything but the daydreams of my children. Thoughts of my babies make me happy. But without a man, the shit makes no sense, and the daydream is incomplete... and useless.

I have nothing.

I don't even have anger. I've been milking the wrath towards CA just to give shit some purpose, but as I stated before, I'm indifferent towards him. All the bullshit he pulled in the short month seems like a distant dream, like it didn't really happen. I don't know if it's because it happened so fast or what, but its almost like I imagined the whole thing.

Naw, I didn't buy another PT.

I probably wont either. My period is due in about a week or so, so I'll just chill. Maybe the one I bought will turn up. I'm so unconcerned, its frightening. I'm getting that feeling where I just want to disappear and have a new life. I'm bored with this one. Nothing phases me, good or bad. I'm just tired. The only thing that does bother me about this is the fact that no one can help me. I cant help myself, and no one can help me. Thats a fucked up position to be in. See yourself spiralling somewhere, and you cant stop it. Knowing you look like you got it together on the surface, so no one suspects anything. I'm so good at this facade I almost fool myself.

Almost.

I guess I should go to work, but there's nothing to do here. Just nothing. Everywhere...

Nothing.