Rain falling on a tin roof..
...while I'm safe there in your arms.
That song is the shit.
Anyway.
The drama continues. The ex haunts me now. I have dreams of him. For some reason he is constantly in my field of vision. I call myself waiting until its safe to go outside, but its never safe. I miss him, but I fight it. I'm beginning to feel lonely again too, and that shit aint good.
I'm getting that stressed out feeling again.
The audits are over for the most part, but now the Zeta shit continues. They're taking all my free time. The only reason I escaped this weekend was because we had to postpone our event. And I could breathe for another day. But I feel the anxiety building up for next weekend already. There really is no controlling this... I try and try. But I really feel like I'm smothering. I need to go somewhere and hide with the quickness.
Can't do that though. Tough shit, I guess. I'll hold it down like I always do, manage to participate just enough and when I cant take it anymore, I'll bail. I just hate the stress. It's bad, makes me want to cry. I feel helpless like this. Maybe I should really look into medication. This shit aint normal, and I need to quit being ashamed and go head and get the drugs. Fucka side effect, I need to be able to function without fear. Shit's getting harder daily. And it seems like I have so much to do at one time. Nothing is ever spaced out, its all or nothing, feast or famine where my shit is concerned. So I have all these reasons to panic and run, but I cant. So I slowly nut up and fuck up my blood pressure and shit.
I'mma get the drugs. Zo.loft can't be that damn bad.
Anyway. Next topic.
So UC has been calling me daily. I think its a version of the infamous drunk dial phenomenon, except he ain't ultra wasted when he calls. He is apparently facinated with the fact that he can call someone on the west coast (me) and talk to them in the same time zone. Meaning, he called me at 8:45 and it was actually 8:45 as opposed to 11:45. He is a funny dude. I mean, he really cracks me the fuck up. He is retarded silly. He can't say more than two sentences without making me laugh at some point.
I'm still good though... ain't crushing or nothing like that. I'm proud of myself where that is concerned. It's been a long time since I heard his voice, at least a couple of months. I forgot how good he sounds. I didn't call him all the time even though I thought I would once I secured the number. It just didn't feel like a smart thing for me to do. So it's kinda weird talking to him so much. I ain't tripping though, UC is the least of my issues. CA effectively slapped the taste outta my mouth as far as trying to be attached to someone. Plus I'm not gonna start deluding myself, knowing the Pirhanas are still circulating around. Aint no future in that for me. And luckily, the differences are all in my face.
If there's anything this bullshit has taught me, its to quit compromising myself. I don't like to be all out in the world. I'm a sociophobe, and I'd rather chill in my house or at a nice relaxing spot. I hate driving. I dont want to do it. I dont give a fuck. The next man that crosses my path had better pick me up for all our dates, and let me stay in the house unless we're going on a date. If he cant deal with the fact that I'm happier when I'm safe, then fuck him. I'm not gonna let another man make me feel bad for not going out and acting an ass off some alcohol, weed, or anything else irresponsible mu'fuckas seem to think is so great. If you wanna go out, cool. I ain't stopping your ass. But leave me alone. I dont have female friends because you cant trust bitches. So dont fuckin hassle me about going any damn where with "friends". CA had that shit BAD. I couldn't figure out why he'd want me going out alone like that, as if I were single. I attract men when I'm not even trying, did he really feel like he had shit that tight? Ugh. I'm glad we ain't together. Each time I think of him I see how shit was really gonna be ugly if I pursued it further with him.
Shit, I was talking about UC. How did I get back on CA? I'm nuts. I'm sure of it.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed.
That song is the shit.
Anyway.
The drama continues. The ex haunts me now. I have dreams of him. For some reason he is constantly in my field of vision. I call myself waiting until its safe to go outside, but its never safe. I miss him, but I fight it. I'm beginning to feel lonely again too, and that shit aint good.
I'm getting that stressed out feeling again.
The audits are over for the most part, but now the Zeta shit continues. They're taking all my free time. The only reason I escaped this weekend was because we had to postpone our event. And I could breathe for another day. But I feel the anxiety building up for next weekend already. There really is no controlling this... I try and try. But I really feel like I'm smothering. I need to go somewhere and hide with the quickness.
Can't do that though. Tough shit, I guess. I'll hold it down like I always do, manage to participate just enough and when I cant take it anymore, I'll bail. I just hate the stress. It's bad, makes me want to cry. I feel helpless like this. Maybe I should really look into medication. This shit aint normal, and I need to quit being ashamed and go head and get the drugs. Fucka side effect, I need to be able to function without fear. Shit's getting harder daily. And it seems like I have so much to do at one time. Nothing is ever spaced out, its all or nothing, feast or famine where my shit is concerned. So I have all these reasons to panic and run, but I cant. So I slowly nut up and fuck up my blood pressure and shit.
I'mma get the drugs. Zo.loft can't be that damn bad.
Anyway. Next topic.
So UC has been calling me daily. I think its a version of the infamous drunk dial phenomenon, except he ain't ultra wasted when he calls. He is apparently facinated with the fact that he can call someone on the west coast (me) and talk to them in the same time zone. Meaning, he called me at 8:45 and it was actually 8:45 as opposed to 11:45. He is a funny dude. I mean, he really cracks me the fuck up. He is retarded silly. He can't say more than two sentences without making me laugh at some point.
I'm still good though... ain't crushing or nothing like that. I'm proud of myself where that is concerned. It's been a long time since I heard his voice, at least a couple of months. I forgot how good he sounds. I didn't call him all the time even though I thought I would once I secured the number. It just didn't feel like a smart thing for me to do. So it's kinda weird talking to him so much. I ain't tripping though, UC is the least of my issues. CA effectively slapped the taste outta my mouth as far as trying to be attached to someone. Plus I'm not gonna start deluding myself, knowing the Pirhanas are still circulating around. Aint no future in that for me. And luckily, the differences are all in my face.
If there's anything this bullshit has taught me, its to quit compromising myself. I don't like to be all out in the world. I'm a sociophobe, and I'd rather chill in my house or at a nice relaxing spot. I hate driving. I dont want to do it. I dont give a fuck. The next man that crosses my path had better pick me up for all our dates, and let me stay in the house unless we're going on a date. If he cant deal with the fact that I'm happier when I'm safe, then fuck him. I'm not gonna let another man make me feel bad for not going out and acting an ass off some alcohol, weed, or anything else irresponsible mu'fuckas seem to think is so great. If you wanna go out, cool. I ain't stopping your ass. But leave me alone. I dont have female friends because you cant trust bitches. So dont fuckin hassle me about going any damn where with "friends". CA had that shit BAD. I couldn't figure out why he'd want me going out alone like that, as if I were single. I attract men when I'm not even trying, did he really feel like he had shit that tight? Ugh. I'm glad we ain't together. Each time I think of him I see how shit was really gonna be ugly if I pursued it further with him.
Shit, I was talking about UC. How did I get back on CA? I'm nuts. I'm sure of it.
Fuck it. I'm going to bed.
posted by ~~~. at 4/03/2005 09:55:00 PM
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