And it's gone.

Just like that. No anger, no wrath, nothing.

Boy, emptiness is strong and almighty, ain't it? I feel blank again. I ain't even trippin no more, I guess thats just how it's gonna be for me.

Still though, in all my blankness, I can muster an emphatic "Fucka CA" and mean that shit.

So my brother talked to my ex, asked him how come we aren't together. My brother is no fool. I keep shit from him, but the nigga sees through me like glass. The very night I decided that I didn't want CA anymore, he was in the car with my mom and he told her, "I don't like that nigga anymore. [my nickname] is upset. That nigga pissed off my sister." My brother hadn't seen me or talked to me the whole day. But he sensed my anger. And the next day, CA got his walking papers.

He knows I love my ex. He doesn't like it, but he accepts it, I guess. I haven't mentioned my ex in the presence of the fam in forever. I was busy with CA, and I'd left the ex back in October, so I just pushed him to the back of my mind. They never wanted me with him anyway, so they were glad it was done. But my brother. Nigga sees all. He knows I miss that fool.

I told my brother that he don't have to trip off the ex, because he'll never do what I need him to do. My brother called him a scaredy punk ass nigga. But I know that no matter who talks to him, he'll never grab his balls and man up. It just ain't in him. I tried to explain that to my brother, but he wasn't quite hearing me. Its sad, but true. The ex can't do it. Its not in him. Period.

I wish it was though. I miss him.