Push your luck much?

We had a discussion on Tuesday and I thought it was all good.

I've already mentioned the sudden change he's made from "yeah, come over all the time", "call me whenever you want" to the space issue.

Like I said yesterday, I'm GLAD I didn't fall for that shit. Although I helped him decorate at his own behest, I didn't take them keys, I don't show up without calling, and I don't call him incessantly. Because I knew this shit would happen. His ass is confused and now he's thinking about his single life. I saw it, I knew it would go down. That's why I fell back. FUCK I love myself sometimes. I'm so damn intuitive.

But that doesn't change the fact that I'm mad.

Our discussion Tuesday, where I reaffirmed that I wanted him to have his own space and had no intentions of encroaching or barging into his life was supposed to answer all questions on that issue. There should have been no doubts left in his mind, because I fully explained to him that although I care about him deeply, I had no intentions of making him wrap his life around me. I told him I'd "get in where I fit in", and let him dictate exactly where that was. I told him I wouldn't take up all his personal time. That I had no problem with letting him exist outside of the "relationship" as his own man. Shit, I prefer it. Takes the stress offa me from having to entertain your simple ass. He got it, at least I thought he got it. I thought it was all good. THOUGHT being the operative word.

So why did he fuck up last night?

We're on the phone. Yesterday was the last day of school for him. So I told him, "Well I'll give you a call during business hours". Shit, I was glad I'd be able to talk to him during the day, instead of being relegated to after 8:00 pm when he's tired as fuck from getting done running behind them little students and other assorted shit that I don't fit into. Anyway, yeah. So thats what I said, just in passing. Why the fuck did he say, "now don't forget I need some free time too."

WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Got damn, what the fuck else do I have to do? I'm already existing in a little box in his life. And was cool with the shit too! I see him on weekends only. The plans to see one another during the week never materialize, and I don't trip. I settle for Saturday night and Sunday morning, when we go to church at fuckin 8 in the morning, and then I go home at 10 am, to not even speak to him until like 8 pm because he wants his whole Sunday to do manly shit. He has all, and I do mean ALL his got damn time to himself. I'm as far in the corner as I can get, and I allowed him to put me there because I know how men are about their space. They talk that shit like they want you in their lives and then they'll remember, "no, I want to play ball and playstation, and pick my teeth" or whatever the fuck they were doing before.

So I'm gonna let him.

I'm falling back all the way. If he wants to see me, he's gonna come see me. I'm not going over there, fighting mexicans for parking spots and damn near getting shot trying to park on the side street, late at night tired as fuck from working a 10 to 12 hour shift, just so he can bitch about his time. If he wants to talk to me, he's gonna call me. I'm not gonna risk taking up his oh so precious "free time".

Fuck that.

I beg NO nigga. I passed on dudes for him. I watched fuckin sports center all weekend because he won't share the TV, because I wanted to be with HIM. I'm willing to sacrifice my sanity and happiness, take myself out of my comfort zone, go drink, dance, whatever just to be with him. And now you want to worry about time? You selfish fuck. Go right ahead. Have all the fuckin time you want, cuzz. I'm not gonna do this shit and go crazy.

Let me go work. I'm mad now, I can't be like this. I need to distract myself before I get sick.