Praying hardcore.
I've been really getting my convo on with Jesus this weekend.
I have to pray for some serious patience. See, I know how I am. And my tolerance for bullshit is nil.
When CA tripped out saturday morning I was ready to walk out then, like forever. But I have to remember that no one is perfect, especially me. So I need to be more open to others' mistakes.
The problem comes in when those mistakes multiply. I live in fear of settling and being badgered and harassed for no reason, like my momma was, my granny was, and I have been. I've tried to "hold it together" through the "rough times", and I've watched the rough times continue indefintely. Once niggas understand that they can, in fact, stomp on your feelings and you wont do shit back, they keep going. It doesn't stop until you nut up on they ass. I've repeatedly seen men take advantage of their women being kind and understanding, using them as sounding boards, treating them like shit on a stick because they're in a "bad mood". Well fuck you and your bad mood, you'd better go find something else to do that doesn't involve fuckin with me.
See how fucked up this is?
I'm currently having a hard time putting that guard back down to him. I've been praying so hard, because like I said when we met, he's the best prospect of a man I've had in at least 2 years. I don't want to fuck this up off some stupid shit. There is no indication that he has these issues all the time. But then there's no indication that this would be an isolated occurance, either.
Thing is, I really do care about CA. Like right now, I'm thinking of him and I miss him. I want to see him tonight, but I'm scared he's gonna piss me off again, and I might not be able to contain myself this time. I'm not good at turning the other cheek, I only have so much of that in me and then the survivalist psycho bitch decides thats enough punking out at the hands of some man. See, I would hate for him to turn out to be some unrepentant asshole, because he definitely has the potential to make me very happy. But I don't want to get 30% insane happiness and 70% hot bullshit. Because that ain't happiness, that's Happiness Lite, and I can have that shit by myself.
It ain't even about the sex. It has something to do with it, but that ain't the problem. Every grown person knows that every day ain't gonna be a good day. I'm not that insensitive and inhumane... he's a man not a vibrator. I know this. But how am I supposed to stand mediocre sex when it's capped off with a fucked up attitude that I don't deserve? I have no idea.
I think it was good for me to stay away from him this weekend. And I don't plan to spend the night at all this week either. He needs to make sure that he really wants to be with me, because talk is cheap as fuck. If saturday is any indication of how shit's gonna be, then I'm not staying. Bottom line. I've been treated like shit enough in my life. I don't need anymore.
I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this.
Well lemme go work.
I have to pray for some serious patience. See, I know how I am. And my tolerance for bullshit is nil.
When CA tripped out saturday morning I was ready to walk out then, like forever. But I have to remember that no one is perfect, especially me. So I need to be more open to others' mistakes.
The problem comes in when those mistakes multiply. I live in fear of settling and being badgered and harassed for no reason, like my momma was, my granny was, and I have been. I've tried to "hold it together" through the "rough times", and I've watched the rough times continue indefintely. Once niggas understand that they can, in fact, stomp on your feelings and you wont do shit back, they keep going. It doesn't stop until you nut up on they ass. I've repeatedly seen men take advantage of their women being kind and understanding, using them as sounding boards, treating them like shit on a stick because they're in a "bad mood". Well fuck you and your bad mood, you'd better go find something else to do that doesn't involve fuckin with me.
See how fucked up this is?
I'm currently having a hard time putting that guard back down to him. I've been praying so hard, because like I said when we met, he's the best prospect of a man I've had in at least 2 years. I don't want to fuck this up off some stupid shit. There is no indication that he has these issues all the time. But then there's no indication that this would be an isolated occurance, either.
Thing is, I really do care about CA. Like right now, I'm thinking of him and I miss him. I want to see him tonight, but I'm scared he's gonna piss me off again, and I might not be able to contain myself this time. I'm not good at turning the other cheek, I only have so much of that in me and then the survivalist psycho bitch decides thats enough punking out at the hands of some man. See, I would hate for him to turn out to be some unrepentant asshole, because he definitely has the potential to make me very happy. But I don't want to get 30% insane happiness and 70% hot bullshit. Because that ain't happiness, that's Happiness Lite, and I can have that shit by myself.
It ain't even about the sex. It has something to do with it, but that ain't the problem. Every grown person knows that every day ain't gonna be a good day. I'm not that insensitive and inhumane... he's a man not a vibrator. I know this. But how am I supposed to stand mediocre sex when it's capped off with a fucked up attitude that I don't deserve? I have no idea.
I think it was good for me to stay away from him this weekend. And I don't plan to spend the night at all this week either. He needs to make sure that he really wants to be with me, because talk is cheap as fuck. If saturday is any indication of how shit's gonna be, then I'm not staying. Bottom line. I've been treated like shit enough in my life. I don't need anymore.
I don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this.
Well lemme go work.
posted by ~~~. at 3/07/2005 08:30:00 AM
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