Not working.

And so fuckin what.

You know, it's funny. I think I'm blinded by CA. I totally forgot he upset me on the phone last night. I have to keep focused and not let the good shit blind me. I gotta take it all in and not lose sight of the things about him that I ain't too cool with. I'm noticing he has a tendency to clam up about certain shit. Like for example, his relationship with his black side of his family is virtually non-existant. So I don't push him about that. I still dont know the history about what happened with his momma and his daddy. I don't refer to the situation, because maybe it's painful for him or something. But I feel like I should be learning stuff about him and his family since thats a part of his life, right?

Anyway.

So we're on the phone last night and I was asking him questions about moving and all that. I mean, I'm considering being with this nigga for life, I need to know what I'm getting into. So I'm asking him questions and I realize how little I know about his family. So I ask him how many uncles and aunts he has. No problems there. I ask him is all his family in Wisconsin, he says yeah. So I ask him something else (I forgot what), and he answered me. I asked, "that's on your mommy's side, right?" He answers with, "yeah, only the White side cares," all huffy and shit, as if I'm trying to insinuate something about his white side, like he took offense to me asking. Shit nigga, I know you got a white momma and your black daddy didn't care or some shit. But I'm not trying to bring all that up. I'm just trying to figure out where your family is, since you'll be dragging me away from mine. I don't give a shit if they're completely lily white, I just want to know that someone will have our backs once we shake from Cali. It was downhill from there. My feelings were hurt, and after that he was all quiet acting and mean.

I don't know what to make of that. He claims he'll probably head back to the midwest (to Chicago, where he has about 3 cousins, all older and distant, and NO OTHER family) in about 6 years, so I'm not mad concerned. But what concerns me is how his attitude went left when I tried to talk to him about his family. I don't know whether he thinks I'mma judge him because he's been a white dude for most of his life, or what. Shit I don't care about that. I don't know what to do. But how am I supposed to really know him if he gets all stupid about telling me about his family? I ain't scared of whitey. I got whitey in my family too. So I don't understand what the big deal was. We're supposed to be learning about each other, but I don't see how I can if he does this. I'm scared to ask him anything else about his family. But I want to know. I want to know why he doesn't talk to the Black people. I want to know what his dad did that was so fucked up it made him write off his whole other side, or did the Black folks write him off because of his momma? I want to know why he never met his Black grandparents... ever in his life. Why he isn't close to his brother whose only a year or two younger than he is. I want to know all of it, because if he's really my husband then my kids are gonna inherit that dysfunctional shit.

That makes me think. And it ain't good when I think. Suddenly shit is a lot less peachy. And what's worse is I repressed that shit that quick. I went to bed, woke up with no recollection or resonance of the conversation I'd had with him hours before. It took a song. A song I'd been listening to during the conversation came on a few minutes ago and brought that shit back to my mind. That is a dangerous thing, for me to just throw shit to the back of my mind and leave it there. I'm pulling the wool over my own fuckin eyes. BLAH, dammit.

I need prayer.