Maintaining

I stayed home last night too.

I just gave myself a superior spa treatment and talked to him on the phone. He had a better day yesterday. When I called he was grading papers... boring as hell. I'm so glad that's not my damn occupation, I think I'd kill myself. All those unappreciative little bastards. I remember when I was in high school. I respected my teachers for the most part. Hated a few, but I still showed them respect because they were adults. I'd talk all the shit I wanted after I was out of class (and certain I was passing the class). But I'd have never acted how these little shit-for-brains act. There'd be a LOT of juvenile funerals if I were a teacher. Damn all that.

It is so nice to know how much I mean to him though. He never lets me get off the phone, or leave his presence without me knowing that I'm special. I love that about him. And he's always got this peaceful look on his face when I see him. I can see his face when I close my eyes, see his dimples when he smiles. Fuck. I miss that nigga. I need to get my ass over there and quit bullshitting.

I hate my own uncertainty and insecurity. I cover that shit up well, but I'm still all confused inside. I still don't know how much I need to see him, I am always concerned of him getting tired of me, which is why I space my visits out so drastically. But I need to get over it... he's already said that he's intending to marry me soon. So I guess he ain't gonna get tired of me. But it's just so fucking early.

I need to quit trying to understand shit.

Well at least Honey Bear II is still holding up under the strain. So I need to count my blessings where I can find them, because I'd be fuckin nuts if it weren't for my wonderful Dick Imposter #1.

I'm going to work now. Blah.