It's harder than I anticipated

But I gotta do it.

It doesn't make sense for someone to change like this. Why let me think you want me "in your life", "I want you around all the time", "call me whenever you want, I don't care what time it is", "come over whenever you want", "here's the keys to my apartment, car, and safe deposit box" and then come outta left field like, "well I need to have all my private time to myself" when I say, "okay baby, I'll call you tomorrow from work during business hours". Not "okay baby, I'mma come over every night this week" or "okay baby, I'mma call you all day tomorrow since you're off". Just, "I'll call you tomorrow from work". Thats all I said. Add that to the fact that I already do everything you want to do. Add that to the fact that you already dictate every facet of our relationship, and I allow it. Add that to the fact that you convinced me that you cared enough to let me in, let me spend my money on you trying to do things that you've asked of me, only to flip the script and shut me out with out any justifiable reason. That is some flamin hot bullshit any way you slice it. What makes a nigga snap like that? When I haven't done anything different from week one to the present? When I'm still the same bitch? When I'm still only seeing you on weekends out of fear of smothering you, how can you put your mouth to insinuate that I'm hogging up all your time? I don't fuckin get it.

I missed him last night. It took all I had for me to hold down my end of the bargain and not call him. I chose not to because he made that comment as if I'm gonna ruin his vacation by calling him during the day, so I was like, "well fuck it then". If he wants to see me or talk to me, then he has to make that happen. I'm not gonna put myself in the position for him to hurt my feelings.

I ran CA's recent actions past moms and she instantly went into a Tourettes style cussing attack. She said that CA is acting like my dad... and that I should run. Fast and far, without delay.

That's all the fuck I needed to know.

I thought back to when I was small and my mom always tried to make my dad happy and seemingly he never was. I remember the special dinners she'd cook, the "big pieces of chicken" we couldn't have, all the special spoiling treatment she gave him and he'd repeatedly neglect her, forget her birthday (for which he had no excuse with three bad ass kids reminding him for weeks), neglect their anniversary. She was a stay at home housewife and all she would want was for him to hold a conversation with her and he would refuse. He wanted to spend all his time watching Sci-Fi, and bitching that it was his house and his space. I remember how he'd kick us out of the living room, even if we were quiet. I remember how he didn't want to eat dinner with us, how he never wanted to go on family outings on Saturdays, how he would badger my brother when he tried to be like him. I remember his indifference to me growing up when I needed him most. I remember the results of that indifference. I remember watching my mom sit in the corner at the dining room table and wondering why she looked so sad when my dad came home. I remember finding out why she was so sad. I remember turning 16 telling her "if you don't leave that mu'fucka, we'll pack your shit and do it for you. Because you're too kind and nice for his selfish shit."

I was 16. And I said mu'fucka and shit. To my mom. About my dad.

Didn't matter, she was crying. He'd made her cry. For the millionth time in my short lifetime.

Fuck that. I'm not gonna be moms Part II... not in that respect. I'll stab a mu'fucka first.

This is how I know I'm not crazy, and he has in fact made some decision to be shitty and harsh to me in general, force me into compliance. See, I'd told him that he'd hurt my feelings with his sudden change and what he'd told me before I'd gotten off the phone with him Wednesday night, especially considering how I took almost an hour reassuring him I support his needs and decisions, and I wouldn't be in the way or take up his private time because I want him to feel happy and fufilled in his life. Now if my man said I'd hurt him, no matter what I'd done or hadn't done, whether I agreed with him or not, I'd have called him right away to tell him that although I stand by what I said, I never meant to hurt him and I was sorry that I did. I'd have called him just to make sure he was okay, and that he understood that although we disagree, or I was having a bad night, that I still loved him and it was all good. Just cleared shit up all around. The second I heard him say that, I'd have fixed it right then.

I guess that's just me though.

I didn't hear from him at all, for the whole day.

Irrespective of whether or not he disagreed with me, felt his bullshit was justified, or whatever, the fact that he "cares" about me should have driven him to at least respond one way or the other. Especially after I explained to him that I wanted him to be happy so I would refrain from calling him during his vacation.

Did I mention my sister wants to kick his ass? My brother doesn't even know.

So basically, all that has happened is the mask has come off. All that considerate, thoughtful CA that he'd put out first was a decoy. I'm dealing with the real mu'fucka now. A man who is more like my dad the more I think about it. I can't handle that. I was ready to stab my dad by the time I was 11 just to free my mom from his tyrannical bullshit. He never compromised. They never did anything he didn't feel like doing. He never wanted to spend any time with us as children because it was "his free time". Got damn that sounds familiar. Already this nigga was trying to prep me for a life of loneliness. Sit-cha-ass-in-the-corner-ness. He wanted a woman, he wanted to floss me around to his friends because "Coach [CA's] wifey is HOT". But when it comes down to it, he wanted to put me on a shelf and leave me there until he was ready to take me down and play with me.

I'll be damned if I'm another nigga's trophy bitch.

I don't have to settle for him being mean to me. I don't have to settle for having a man that I suddenly can't call (even though he solidified the initial bonds of our relationship and made me comfortable in the fact that I can call whenever I want, come over whenever I want, he didn't want to be alone anymore, etc). All bullshit. Everything he told me was basically to get me to love him so he can mentally abuse me and sit me in the corner like a kid on time-out.

I'll be damned. That lil Puerto Rican from my main was right. He called it. He said that nigga was gonna do something to make me leave him, and it has come to pass.

What's bad is I tried to hold all this shit in. I saw the signs and dismissed it, like maybe he just didn't know how to have someone else in his life because he was used to being alone. But that isn't the case. This is WHY he's alone. He's an undercover asshole who reels women in and then attempts to force them into submission. Cali women in general don't get down like that, and damn sure not a BLACK woman from Cali. He'd be better off messing with them white girls. They don't seem to care... look how they gravitate to my fucked up uncle.

Oh well, dammit. I'm going to work. The plant closes at 3 today, and I want to be out of here with everyone else for Good Friday... even though I ain't doing shit. And I probably wont go to church on Sunday either. So what.