I'm tired.

Damn. I could sleep for hours.

I spent most of last night with a super sick CA. I have a hard time dealing with sick people, because men in general tend to be babies when they're sick. He wasn't too bad, but he was kinda whiny. I despise that. I had food poisoning before too. And I bought myself some 7-up, and stuck it out. I wasn't a wuss. I didn't even go to the doctor. I just held it down like the gangsta bitch I am.

There's something about sick men that make me want to physically fight, like whoop ass, and not just because I hate people who throw up, either.

I guess sickness reveals a kind of weakness that I just cannot stand. I blame my dad... whenever he'd get sick he'd become a giant fuckin baby and my momma had to run all around doing shit for him all the time. And he'd have a stupid sick voice. I hate it. I swore I'd never be with a man who couldn't be sick like a fuckin man. Like UC said this morning, "man up". I didn't even tell him how CA was over there sounding, but he felt like I should pass those words on to CA. How fuckin appropriate, because I was thinking just that.

Then I feel bad, maybe I'm too jaded and mean. I mean, he was sick. And I do remember how awful food poisoning felt. But fuck! Don't whine when you talk! I didn't, and I'm a girl. A little teeny tiny girl at that. Someone you'd expect to whine. But did I? No. Hell fuckin no. I'll be damned if someone sees me as a little weak bitch. But am I wrong to project that onto him? Maybe he wasn't used to being sick like that, so it made his voice bitchy or something. Ugh. I make myself sick.

See, I expect men to be men at all times. Sick, dying, bleeding, your ass better not cry, whine or whimper. Because I didn't. I took a fuckin 12 gauge blast and I didn't cry or scream because I didn't want to scare my momma. I just kept yelling that I was okay, even though I was a bloody mess and I couldn't feel anything on the left side of my body. My mom never did. My sister never did. My grandaddy didn't, and my brother doesn't. I never know when my brother is sick or in pain unless it is truly unbearable, and then only my momma knows. Not his girl, not us, no one. Just momma. Shit. You call yourself a man? You'd better grab your balls and stand the fuck up like nothing is wrong. When I see that there is an issue with this kinda strength, I'm instantly turned off. I am more than willing and overly capable to take care of you, but don't make me feel like I HAVE to because you cannot. At least fake like you're being strong.

Fuck. I'm being unreasonable. Everybody ain't a gangsta like me, and it's unfair for me to expect it. But gotdamn. Men? Come on.

And I'm going back tonight. I don't know how the fuck I'mma deal with this if he's still acting like a wimp. Sensitive my ass, nigga. Ugh. I hate this. I hope he's better and back to his old self when I get there tonight.