I need to be working

but fuck it.

I've got an audit coming up, and my mind ain't here. Thats not so good.

Well I didn't see him yesterday, it was storming super bad and I didn't want to drive in that. So we agreed to see one another later. He's got spring break coming, so his time will be more free after this evening.

We discussed my spoiled issue. He admited that it bothered him "just a little" because he knows he's "not the type to spoil people". I explained to him my stance on being spoiled, and he seemed to understand. I'm not sure if he does, but I have to go with that. No sense in beating the issue unless it comes up again on it's own. However, I'm thinking real hard about this. I know how I am. I'm spoiled, so I spoil very well. I know how to spoil my men, and I'm always thinking about ways to show how much they mean to me. But if this dude isn't into that, all that means is I'll be doing all the spoiling and reciprocation will never make it to me. That's fucked up. I'm wondering if he meant that he doesn't like letting people have their way. I could take that better, because my spoiled doesn't have to revolve around me getting my way. I just like hugs and kisses and stuff. And I don't wanna be forced to do anything, is all. So I think we can work with that. Shit man, I don't know.

Then another subject came up, he's concerned about the fact that I don't go out and party. I told him that if he wanted me to go out with him that's cool, but I just don't go out solo and act an ass. He isn't understanding me here. I see I'm gonna have to just sit him down and really break down my personal history for him, because he isn't understanding why I'm the way I am. I'm not gonna change. I'm not gonna start finding a bunch of shady ass females to go out with on friday nights to the bar just because he thinks I should, or because thats what he likes. Nigga, go on 'head and do that shit if thats what you like. I was raised strict Christian. I cuss and fornicate, but thats about all you're getting outta me. I don't bar hop. I don't drink (for obvious reasons). I don't lie. I behave like a lady most of the time, because thats how I was raised. Ladies don't show they ass in the street. Ladies serve their men, and their place is in the home, not out there cuttin up. That's just how I am. It bothers me that he's having difficulties with that.

And then sex came up. Turns out he is a major horn-dog, which I initially don't have a problem with, as much as I like to get down. But my thing is, I don't want that to be the main focus of the relationship. I should be able to go to your house, sit on your couch, and kick it without you thinking it's time to fuck just because I walk through the door. I think that's where he's headed. I'm not too sure about that. Because on the days I don't want to fuck, what are we gonna do? How is he gonna co-exist with me in the same place if sex ain't involved? It's hard for me to keep him on track because mainly... I love to fuck. But I know there will be a day where I'm just not gonna fuckin feel like it, and I need to know it's still gonna be all good. Right now, I ain't too sure of that.

This shit kinda makes me tired. I don't want to change myself. It took all these damn years to get used to the person I am, quit making excuses for who I am, and just deal with it. And now I'm back to explaining and defending the woman I am. That bothers me. If I can accept the quirks he has, he's gonna have to accept the fact that my family spoils the shit outta me (since no one else will, obviously) and that I don't want to run the streets until I'm 30.

*sigh*

I'm tired. I should be able to work now though... hopefully. I'm out.