Daily dose of paranoia...

So I was thinking.

And it's a bad fucking thing when I think.

Anyway, I was thinking, "what if I am pregnant?" Would I really be able to do away with it? I mean, what if it's a little boy? As bad as I want sons? Could I really get rid of my son before he has a chance to grow?

But then I think, what if it's a girl? Do you want to be a momma to a girl? Hell to the naw. I mean, not like that, but shit. I don't want no damn daughter right now.

Then I think about CA, wondering how I'd really be able to live knowing he's the damn daddy, having to see his punk ass every day because he'd try to make a point to be a "good dad" and I wouldn't want to deprive my son of his father even if he is the biggest bitch alive.

I think of day care. Doctor bills. My future husband becoming an instant step-father. My son not wanting to deal with whomever I marry because it ain't his daddy. My son being confused at the birth of new babies, or worse, resentful because I'm not with his daddy. The accusations that will begin to fly, because CA is an Uber-Bitch, and he'll of course blame me for every fucking thing, despite the fact that everything he says will be untrue.

I think of all this. And it makes me say, "hell yeah I could get rid of it". Before I know what the sex is, before it forms into a baby, before I can have a second thought. I'll do it in a heartbeat. Because that nigga is too much of a bitch to raise a child with me. I can't let it go down.

Its sad really. I wish I knew what makes niggas switch like CA did. Because he switched so hard I don't even want to be his friend. I don't hate him, I'm just indifferent to him. Like I don't really want anything to do with him, I'm ready to let all thoughts and memories of him fade into obscurity.

This test will end it. I can't wait until Friday.