Waiting it out

The countdown is still on for my arrival. I estimate I have one to two more days. And I can't wait. The jelly is lame as hell. I don't even want to use it. I put it under the bed. I'll just suffer until my new Japanese model gets here. Messin with that thing is like ultra lame and bad sex... just pathetic. Except this is even less satisfying than lame sex, because you don't get kissed, felt up or nothing. Just all kinds of shitty lame. So now, I sit. And writhe in agony.

Well, I've decided to give C-AIM my number tonight. I mean, he can't be much worse than what I've dealt with in the past. I figure I'll go on and quit being a punk bitch and put myself out there once more. At least he holds himself accountable to God. So he is well aware that if he hurts me God will punish him, just as I've watched all my other ex-es be punished.

I think I'm punished by their stalkalisms, but thats a whole different story.

I kinda feel good about the steps I'm making. Although I still have a lot of fear and insecurity, I'm dealing with it. This guy makes me want to let him in. I'm gonna do my best not to be crazy here. Everybody ain't bad, everybody ain't out to hurt me. I'll never make any progress if I keep hiding, and thats a fact.

I haven't talked to UC today. Ain't no need to pretend like I ain't looking for him. Sad shit, I'm barred from AIM during work hours again since that old pervert fuck returned to work. I checked on him via email, and he was okay. So thats good enough for me. Poor thing said he's gonna be having a rough two weeks. I feel for him there. I'll just check on him through email if he doesn't come online tonight. I just hope he eats something decent for dinner and get some good rest tonight. Although he probably wont, because he likes to stay up late for no apparent reason. For all I know he's online but he's hiding in invisible mode so he can avoid the masses. I don't blame him, sometimes you're just tired. I definitely know the feeling.

Fuck. The LAPD sucks ass. They gonna fuck around and cause another riot. And I'mma stay my black ass home whenever that cracks.

Well C-AIM is here now. So I'm gonna go take a deep breath and talk to him. I'm out.