Over-indulgence

I am home tonight.

I want to be with CA though. It's bad business for me to stay over during the week because his house is nowhere near my job. So I know better. I don't need to mess up at work by being hella late and thats exactly what would happen if I go to his house.

I feel like I'm skipping something though. Like there is something under the surface that I'm not catching. I wish I wasn't so paranoid. I just want to be happy. I'll be happy for a few hours then I'll get some kinda crazy paranoid feeling, and I'll be forced to fight it off. I don't know what this feeling is for... he hasn't given me a reason to believe he's anything other than what he says he is. I need to get past my old issues. But that is easier said than done.

Paranoia aside, I do miss him. And I wish I were with him right now. I only get paranoid when I'm alone. I have too much time to think about dumb shit and second guess myself. Then I get all defensive and upset over absolutely nothing. I mean, he's done everything in his power right now to make me secure, and I'm still tripping.

Fuck. I'm making myself sick. I'm going to bed.