It must be me.
I'm beginning to think I'm jinxing myself.
So I'm talking to Christian AIM dude some more yesterday. He has this quiet gentle demeanor, at least thats how he comes across over AIM. He seems like the perfect gentleman, like he'd appreciate me in every sense. He loves to cook, and wouldn't mind showing me different things I don't know. He said he'd cook with me! He works out every day because he likes to stay in shape. He's a big ol' football player dude. He played in college and now he coaches high school. He lives in my city. He's got mucho patience and he's just coming off as an all around good guy. I mean, aside from the fact that he didn't know who Gil Scott Heron was, there's nothing wrong with him yet.
So why didn't I give him my number?
Fuck if I know. He seems to be very excited to talk to me, and I like that. But I still have reservations about dropping my number. He already knows how I look (unlike someone else) and he thinks I'm pretty. So thats a plus. He wants to take me on a real date (unlike the ex) so thats another point for him. And he loves God for real (not for play-play) so thats like 300 points. But I'm scared. I always think I'm gonna be a disappointment. And it's all internal, because no one complains when they see me. My appearance and attitude is never the problem for them. Ultimately they develop some asshole trait that forces me to hit the door screaming.
For once I can't blame this on UC. I know I'll be over him soon. I feel it. But just because I get over him doesn't mean I'm over my own problems. I don't want those problems to get in the way here, because this guy could be the right one. He seems like it wouldn't bother him if I'm settled and not hyper. I already don't feel like he's the type to be out there like UC. I get a safe feeling from him, whereas I get a nervous feeling when I think about trying to be with UC.
Then I have a little fear that this dude might be boring. Or unforgiveably bad in bed. I'm sure he'd help me hold down my celibacy being a hardcore Christian and all, but what about when it goes down? And he is SO much bigger than I am, I'd be kinda scared. I don't know what to do. But I'm not sure I'm feeling this as much as I should. On the surface he is the absolute best prospect of a man that I've had in at least 2 years. But something is bothering me about this. I tell you what though, I ain't gonna fuck myself over. If he digs me, I'mma force myself to dig him until he actually does something wrong. And if he never does, then I'll know I'm fuckin insane, and I need to pursue professional help. Because for me to feel trepidation about someone as nice as him makes no sense. And it makes no sense to gravitate to an inaccesible, out-of-reach, man who is so different from me, but I've been doing that for months now. Crush or no crush, I ain't gonna doom myself to a life of solitary bullshit if I ain't got to. I know that for sure.
Well lemme go work.
So I'm talking to Christian AIM dude some more yesterday. He has this quiet gentle demeanor, at least thats how he comes across over AIM. He seems like the perfect gentleman, like he'd appreciate me in every sense. He loves to cook, and wouldn't mind showing me different things I don't know. He said he'd cook with me! He works out every day because he likes to stay in shape. He's a big ol' football player dude. He played in college and now he coaches high school. He lives in my city. He's got mucho patience and he's just coming off as an all around good guy. I mean, aside from the fact that he didn't know who Gil Scott Heron was, there's nothing wrong with him yet.
So why didn't I give him my number?
Fuck if I know. He seems to be very excited to talk to me, and I like that. But I still have reservations about dropping my number. He already knows how I look (unlike someone else) and he thinks I'm pretty. So thats a plus. He wants to take me on a real date (unlike the ex) so thats another point for him. And he loves God for real (not for play-play) so thats like 300 points. But I'm scared. I always think I'm gonna be a disappointment. And it's all internal, because no one complains when they see me. My appearance and attitude is never the problem for them. Ultimately they develop some asshole trait that forces me to hit the door screaming.
For once I can't blame this on UC. I know I'll be over him soon. I feel it. But just because I get over him doesn't mean I'm over my own problems. I don't want those problems to get in the way here, because this guy could be the right one. He seems like it wouldn't bother him if I'm settled and not hyper. I already don't feel like he's the type to be out there like UC. I get a safe feeling from him, whereas I get a nervous feeling when I think about trying to be with UC.
Then I have a little fear that this dude might be boring. Or unforgiveably bad in bed. I'm sure he'd help me hold down my celibacy being a hardcore Christian and all, but what about when it goes down? And he is SO much bigger than I am, I'd be kinda scared. I don't know what to do. But I'm not sure I'm feeling this as much as I should. On the surface he is the absolute best prospect of a man that I've had in at least 2 years. But something is bothering me about this. I tell you what though, I ain't gonna fuck myself over. If he digs me, I'mma force myself to dig him until he actually does something wrong. And if he never does, then I'll know I'm fuckin insane, and I need to pursue professional help. Because for me to feel trepidation about someone as nice as him makes no sense. And it makes no sense to gravitate to an inaccesible, out-of-reach, man who is so different from me, but I've been doing that for months now. Crush or no crush, I ain't gonna doom myself to a life of solitary bullshit if I ain't got to. I know that for sure.
Well lemme go work.
posted by ~~~. at 2/08/2005 08:33:00 AM
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