I do believe

That strawberry soda and onion rings are gifts from God.

So I'm avoiding the old old ex. I haven't answered a single call from him all day. He called me a few times at work, and then he called after I got off work. I'm not even gonna do that to myself. I know the only reason he's here is because I'm weak. So I can't let myself fall into that old trap. It's pretty difficult because sex with him was bomb as hell. I think part of the reason he still appears is the fact that I took his virginity. I probably shouldn't have done that, but he was my boyfriend at the time. So I guess in this case the stalkalism is slightly (and I do mean slightly) my fault. He was just too fine not to get some. I was kinda scared of his dick though... he had the kinda huge dick that if he hit it the wrong way it would hurt. I used to hate that. Ain't nothing worse than gettin my groove on and then suddenly feel pain. That is such a mood killer. I'd take it like a G though. I'd bite my lip and hold it down. Because the pain would go away, and he'd smooth it back out.

He was a nice kind of heavy too. I used to love the way he'd feel covering me. He was very much in shape. I used to adore his body. I taught him how to relax afterwards, he had that juvenile shit where he felt like he had to jump up right away. I hated that. Eventually he would just chill and quit being so hyper. He just had to grow up some. Unfortunately some wasn't enough. Too bad, I suppose.

I went on AIM at work today, the old panty stalker wasn't at work so he wasn't online to mess with me. I talked to UC for a while. It must be real good to be him. Seems like he doesn't worry about anything. It's hard to talk to him when I'm in a less than happy mood because he expects everyone to be happy like him. He doesn't seem to understand it when I'm not having a good day, or when I'm not so happy. Shit, I'm just not. That's the way it is. I'm sick of not getting any dick. But I'm even sicker of sorry ass niggas. So I have to refrain from fuckin for the sake of it. Under these current conditions, especially with the passing on of the Honey Bear, it is damn near impossible for me to be in a bouncy good mood. I'm surrounded by men, yet I remain alone. Nope, no happiness there. I'm sorry, I'm just not a happy lady right now. I don't whine to him about it. If he asks me, I'll say I'm doing fine. But gradually he'll ask me things and I end up telling him and betraying how I'm really doing.

Fuck it. I can't worry about it. He'll think whatever he will of me, I can't be happy all the time. I'd like to, but unfortunately all the pieces to my puzzle ain't here. And until I get them, I'm always gonna feel like somethings missing. I can fake it for a while, but eventually the hurt will surface. I need someone to understand that for a change.