Home again

This is the first time I've been home all weekend since Friday afternoon.

And I'm not so sure I want to be here.

I've found such a peace with this man. He is so considerate and beautiful. We decorated his bathroom and got a few things for the living room. I couldn't cut loose like I wanted to because he is very money conscious. He was more concerned about my wallet than I was. I like that in him. But I managed to hook his bathroom up rather lovely with the colors he chose so I'm happy for now. I'll finish the rest next weekend maybe.

Last night was so much fun. We went to his school's girls basketball game. It was a good game, them lil heffas can ball. But the fun was afterwards. He took me home and turned on the music and we danced for so long. I don't like dancing, I'm self conscious about the way I dance. I'll usually save my dancing for my house. But I danced with him like it was nothing. And he sang and sang. Every song that came on he'd sing it to me. I was so comfortable with him and he smelled so damn good. And looked even better. And felt even better than that.

I'm hella crazy about this dude. I can see myself with him. It was very hard for me to come home this afternoon, but I decided to just so he can have some space. He claims he doesn't want space, but I know every man needs a little breathing room. Besides, I'll be seeing him either tonight or tomorrow night anyway. I think I can be a big girl and stay home alone for a while.

We went to church together today. That was the most lovely thing about this weekend. We were singing together and he has no problems praising the Lord. Which is good, because I like to give it up to the Lord when I'm at church. I don't like feeling held back. I've been through too much in life, and this week sucked. So I needed that church today. I spent most of the service repenting though. That kinda sucked.

It's bad to feel remorse about something that is supposed to be so wonderful. I didn't necessarily regret tappin that last night, but there's something about following up fornication with church that makes you feel uber dirty, like lightning is gonna strike you for even stepping foot into Jesus' house. He's just as Christian as I am. I actually fought with that for the whole night. He gave in before I did, and when he started kissing me that last time I gave in. I couldn't even hold it down. I was disappointed in myself, because just as I predicted, he's whipped. In a real way. But just because I did it that time doesn't mean I have to do it all the time. We talked about it this morning and I told him that I felt a little bad at church. He kissed me and said "I know baby, it was all on your face. But you belong to me, I'm not letting you go. I still see you just as I did before last night, and God knows my heart. He knows how I feel about you. And He loves us both, regardless." At that point I relaxed because I knew I was a blessed woman. He sensed my feelings, and he understood. He didn't look at me differently. Just reassured me.

I don't know if I felt so bad because it was Sunday or what. I've been horny for months, and I never cared about getting dick. And now, I get some from this beautiful man of mine, and I feel bad. My mind sucks. I hate being confused and upset about something that is supposed to be great. After we danced he took me to the bedroom and made love to me in a real way. Wasn't no fake shit, no pretense, no lame ass talking or nothing. Just him telling me how beautiful I am, how he feels about me, making me feel so good. And afterwards he held onto me and sang to me some more. I felt good when I fell asleep. Woke up guilt ridden as hell.

I mean, it ain't like I took advantage of him. He was the initiator... I didn't do it this time. But I still felt bad. I hate feeling bad. Guilt blows. It sucks ass. I don't even know how I feel right now. All I know is that I miss him and I wish I were with him right now. I heard him calling me "wifey" to someone. I could only smile when I heard it. Because his mind is made up.

And I'm okay with that.

Time to eat. I'm ghost.