FUCK fuckkity fuck fuck.

So he's talking about eventually he wants to move back to the midwest.

He initially told me he'd only move to another city... CITY... like Chicago or something, which I could deal with. It's bad enough you want to move me from my family, but damn.

This nigga switched his tune back to the home on the range ass rural shit. I'm urban, mu'fucka! Do you not realize this?? WTF am I gonna be doin in Bumblefuck, Minnesota or whatever the hell ass place he was talking about last night?? NO. I think the fuck not.

I'm also seeing signs that he might be bossy. Which ain't a problem in general, unless I'm having a bad fuckin case of PMS and don't want to hear about how I shouldn't live so sheltered and afraid. Fuck that, and you. I live in COMPTON. I haven't had that luxury to just not give a shit about my life. To just be spontaneous, and do shit for the sake of doing it. I can see if I had someone with me who was worth a shit. I'd be much more inclined to be "spontaneous". But you know what? Fuck spontaneous. Niggas ain't shit, and bitches ain't either. No one is reliable, and I eventually end up doing shit solo if I ain't with the fam. I got to go into every fuckin thing I do with a game plan. Going to the mall involves the most severe budget calculations. I fuckin have a Nike Allowance in my budget. I don't just DO shit. I want to travel, but I'm not gonna get in my car and just leave, by myself, for no damn reason. Maybe thats cool for you, but not for me. If it's just me, I don't need to do SHIT. I am more than happy relaxing and enjoying myself in a peaceful, quiet manner. Why cant muthafuckas understand that shit about me? I grew up BROKE. I made myself content with my music and snacks. Shit, ain't nothing changed really. For all intents and purposes, I'm still BROKE. My friends? BROKE. I didn't have any rich friends to mooch vacations, snowmobiles, skis, and other frivolous shit off of. In college? BROKE and the worst fuckin 5 years of my damn life. I am just now, at 25 goin on 26, truly happy with my life and how I live it. I've managed to weed out the stress, the bullshit, the people that cause the stress and the bullshit. I don't have to be a tumbleweed. That isn't a sign that I'm living to me. I just want to be somewhere STABLE, calm, and happy. What the fuck is so wrong with that?

Obviously everything.

It's probably not that serious... I'm just emotional right now cause of these fuckin hormones. But I swear... I'm so tired of men trying to convince me that I need to do something. When I know that it ain't me, it'll never be me. I'll never want to do something without having a good reason. I need reason. I need stability. And if you cant dig that, then get the fuck on. Period.

I hate the fact that UC is so far away. I don't even wanna get into it. It ain't even the crush no more. When I was talking to him last night things were becoming clearer right away. It's been a long time since I had a real friend, male or female that I can talk to like that. Fuck the fact that I'd like to have sex with him. I can get over that. But I'd have liked to been talking to him in person. He's an understanding person, muthafucka has a gift. And he's far away. Sometimes I wonder why I had to meet his ass. Maybe I was better off alone. Not that I want him to go away, but shit.

I'm all fucked up.

I'm going to work. Obviously thinking ain't gonna do me any good today. My mind ain't worth shit right now, and I'm frustrated. I'm out.