Feel like talking some more
I know I need to be sleep... I have to work tomorrow.
But I'm too happy to sleep. I miss CA. I wish I was with him now. Unfortunately he lives way outta my way in regards to getting to work, so I'm not even gonna play myself close. He lives about 10 minutes from where he teaches, and I work a cool 30 minutes (or more in cali morning traffic) away from where he lives. So staying with him during the week ain't really an option.
He made me appreciate the rain again.
It rained this whole weekend while I was with him. He's a big ol' snuggle guy. I'm so little compared to him. I feel perfectly at peace around him. I felt a different kind of peace with the ex, but it wasn't like this. Although I really am trying not to over-analyze this, I have to wonder am I skipping some detail, or ignoring something that I need to be seeing. I feel apprehensive a little because things are definitely moving fast. But thats apparently how he wants it, he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him or his motives. I'm just used to not trusting. Its almost like I'm more comfortable when I don't trust people. Because when I trust I'm left wide open. And there is a part of me that wants to shut down again. But I can't help but trust this man. At this point I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. But I can't help myself. I see his dimples, I hear his voice singing to me, I feel him hugging me for no reason, and I'm just happy.
I can really love being happy.
I think of all the sorry fuckers that have abused me, mentally and physically. I think of all the pain I deal with on a daily basis, all the fear I have each day I wake up. And I think about how fearless I was driving through his neighborhood... a neighborhood I really dont dig driving through with someone, let alone by myself at night. But it was okay. I didn't panic, I found a parking spot, and I was there with him. I can see him whenever I want. I don't have to be sad anymore. Not even PMS can completely ruin what this man has done in my life in a matter of days.
It's unbelievable.
Well I do have to work tomorrow, so I'm gonna call it a night for real this time. I'm out.
But I'm too happy to sleep. I miss CA. I wish I was with him now. Unfortunately he lives way outta my way in regards to getting to work, so I'm not even gonna play myself close. He lives about 10 minutes from where he teaches, and I work a cool 30 minutes (or more in cali morning traffic) away from where he lives. So staying with him during the week ain't really an option.
He made me appreciate the rain again.
It rained this whole weekend while I was with him. He's a big ol' snuggle guy. I'm so little compared to him. I feel perfectly at peace around him. I felt a different kind of peace with the ex, but it wasn't like this. Although I really am trying not to over-analyze this, I have to wonder am I skipping some detail, or ignoring something that I need to be seeing. I feel apprehensive a little because things are definitely moving fast. But thats apparently how he wants it, he hasn't given me any reason to doubt him or his motives. I'm just used to not trusting. Its almost like I'm more comfortable when I don't trust people. Because when I trust I'm left wide open. And there is a part of me that wants to shut down again. But I can't help but trust this man. At this point I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing. But I can't help myself. I see his dimples, I hear his voice singing to me, I feel him hugging me for no reason, and I'm just happy.
I can really love being happy.
I think of all the sorry fuckers that have abused me, mentally and physically. I think of all the pain I deal with on a daily basis, all the fear I have each day I wake up. And I think about how fearless I was driving through his neighborhood... a neighborhood I really dont dig driving through with someone, let alone by myself at night. But it was okay. I didn't panic, I found a parking spot, and I was there with him. I can see him whenever I want. I don't have to be sad anymore. Not even PMS can completely ruin what this man has done in my life in a matter of days.
It's unbelievable.
Well I do have to work tomorrow, so I'm gonna call it a night for real this time. I'm out.
posted by ~~~. at 2/21/2005 09:29:00 PM
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