Nothing like it.

Man, I swear. Ain't nothing like being let down. It's something I can only liken to a swift karate chop to the throat. Air wont move either way. It's stuck in your throat, choking the shit outta you. Making you wish to die because the pain is rising in your head and threatening to explode it.

Maybe I really expect too much by thinking folks are decent human beings. Maybe people really are just piles of shit in a bag. And perhaps I should just start treating them as such on GP.

When you try your hardest at something, something you've wanted for so long, think you've succeeded only to find out that you're still lacking... that's got to be the worst fuckin feeling in the world. The fact that folks can let you do something under the guise of acceptance and then pull some sideways shit out their ass that makes you say, "then what the fuck did I even bother for?" That shit baffles me.

If there isn't supposed to be a difference, then why am I so painfully aware of it? If it doesn't exist, then why do I see it? Why are you letting me see it? Why is it that no other people are having these problems but us?

To know that I did the best I could, and my best ain't good enough. To know that basically, it was all for nothing. They will see me how they want to, irrespective of what I do or say. To have to wake up each day, look them in the face, and know they condemn, judge, and hold me in the lowest disdain possible without flat out hating the shit outta me. To know I did this to myself, ultimately.

It may not be applicable tomorrow. But right now, this is the worst fucking feeling in the world. It's so bad I want to say the biggest most horrid cuss word that Taketh Thy Lord's Name in Vain. But I won't. I wont even go there. Then not only would I feel the worst fuckin feeling in the world, I'd probably die too. Which would be considerably worse, I suppose.

Fuck. I'm going to sleep.