I'm okay now...
I'm calming down.
Sade made some good music back in the 80's. It is very conducive to my peace state of mind. I definitely miss my ex today, that is for sure. I guess all the multi-tasking fake lovin in the world really can't replace him. All the futile crushes in the world can't replace him. I wonder if it's just that I'm not trying hard enough to replace him. I'm not replacing him with another man... I already know that doesn't work. My sorority can't replace him. My job can't replace him. Un-Crush, as funny and fine as he is... can't replace him. All these things just cover up the pain until I'm alone again. Then it all comes back.
I would like to convince myself that there is really someone out here that will love me. There are many days when I am successful at convincing myself. Unfortunately enough, I can't convince myself of it all the time. So I just walk around with a pretend smile like everything is okay. But in all reality I'm empty inside.
I admitted that I miss him. I sent him a text messade that just said "I miss you". Ain't no need to get all verbose. I don't want him to think I'm taking back any decisions I've made, because I haven't. But I do miss him. There's no lying about it, no pushing it under the carpet. Every day I wake up and it's all the same. Go to work, come home. I may ditch an event or actually go. But mostly its just redundant. And it always ends with me feeling lost. I talk to UC, he's all fabulous and his friends are all Pirhanas and somewhat fabulous, and they are all undercover pervs. I'm a part of his life for a hot ass 2 hours a day, and then I sign off and re-enter my life alone. I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. I'm so not happy.
Strangely enough... it's okay that I'm not happy. I'm not all crying and falling out about missing the ex. I do feel tears, but I'm not letting them out. I'm glad I pull off this double life so well. On the outside people really think I'm a content woman. UC is one of these people. I know I can tell him anything, he's cool like that. But it's sad that I can't let him really know me. The ex knew me. For all the shit he wasn't, I still loved him. I wish he coulda loved me enough to make shit right for us. Then it wouldn't matter where I went, where UC went, if I talk to anyone or no one. I'd be loved. And I'd be okay.
I'm unloved. But at least I'm calm. And thank goodness I'm no longer horny as hell (for now anyways)... I swear if I kilt another pack of C batteries I'd have to get me a fundraiser or a sponsor. Them batteries aint cheap. And I tried Duracell and Energizer. Lyin' fuckers. Oh well. I'm going to bed.
Sade made some good music back in the 80's. It is very conducive to my peace state of mind. I definitely miss my ex today, that is for sure. I guess all the multi-tasking fake lovin in the world really can't replace him. All the futile crushes in the world can't replace him. I wonder if it's just that I'm not trying hard enough to replace him. I'm not replacing him with another man... I already know that doesn't work. My sorority can't replace him. My job can't replace him. Un-Crush, as funny and fine as he is... can't replace him. All these things just cover up the pain until I'm alone again. Then it all comes back.
I would like to convince myself that there is really someone out here that will love me. There are many days when I am successful at convincing myself. Unfortunately enough, I can't convince myself of it all the time. So I just walk around with a pretend smile like everything is okay. But in all reality I'm empty inside.
I admitted that I miss him. I sent him a text messade that just said "I miss you". Ain't no need to get all verbose. I don't want him to think I'm taking back any decisions I've made, because I haven't. But I do miss him. There's no lying about it, no pushing it under the carpet. Every day I wake up and it's all the same. Go to work, come home. I may ditch an event or actually go. But mostly its just redundant. And it always ends with me feeling lost. I talk to UC, he's all fabulous and his friends are all Pirhanas and somewhat fabulous, and they are all undercover pervs. I'm a part of his life for a hot ass 2 hours a day, and then I sign off and re-enter my life alone. I go to bed alone. I wake up alone. I'm so not happy.
Strangely enough... it's okay that I'm not happy. I'm not all crying and falling out about missing the ex. I do feel tears, but I'm not letting them out. I'm glad I pull off this double life so well. On the outside people really think I'm a content woman. UC is one of these people. I know I can tell him anything, he's cool like that. But it's sad that I can't let him really know me. The ex knew me. For all the shit he wasn't, I still loved him. I wish he coulda loved me enough to make shit right for us. Then it wouldn't matter where I went, where UC went, if I talk to anyone or no one. I'd be loved. And I'd be okay.
I'm unloved. But at least I'm calm. And thank goodness I'm no longer horny as hell (for now anyways)... I swear if I kilt another pack of C batteries I'd have to get me a fundraiser or a sponsor. Them batteries aint cheap. And I tried Duracell and Energizer. Lyin' fuckers. Oh well. I'm going to bed.
posted by ~~~. at 1/13/2005 08:24:00 PM
<< Home