Held down.

I'm doing this.

I saw something, kinda made my breath stick in my throat. Choked me for a cool second, but I'mma let it roll off my back. I've come a little too far to get trapped up offa some bullshit. But I felt like I was gonna lose it a few seconds ago.

Obsessed much?

Anyway, I love #12 on the John Legend CD. I'm glad I didn't buy it, because I dont like the whole CD, but that song is nice. Its one of those songs I'll be playing while I'm dancing around with my little sons. I can see the sun shining through their window, and I'll be chillin in my wife beater and yoga pants, swinging them around and looking into their little faces. I swear, I'll be the happiest woman alive if I could just make it to that point. I love my kids and they're nowhere close to being born. I can't wait. I'm gonna go back to piano lessons so I can play the piano for them. It makes me so happy I'm instantly sad once I quit thinking about it. Reality is harsh than a muthafucka.

I've been doing some research for my birthday plans. It looks like this just might be doable. I'm definitely going. I'm getting the itinerary in order this afternoon, making deposits and all that. Regardless of what anyone else is doing, I shall be there. And I've made up my mind, I'm going solo. Ain't no need for me to take anyone else with me, I'm a big girl. I'll see UC for a few seconds and I'm off to do my thang. There are constant reminders that I cannot fit into his life, and I have to acknowledge that... no matter what tries to make me think otherwise.

I need a new life. I'm sick of old ass muthafuckas tryin to lock me down. Dont fuckin call me talking about "good night". I've got friends, and I dont call they asses to say "good night". I don't even call UC talking that bullshit. He'd probably think the same thing I'm thinking right now, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm not your damn woman. Will never be your woman. You'd probably die first. I am SO tired of the Wrong Muthafucka Brigade. This shit is SO irking me. Everytime I turn around, some other unwanted ass negro is haunting me. I want attention just like the next chick, but not like this. It is so gross. Just the thought of him with no clothes on sends me to the trash can dry heaving. I feel like throwing up right now. Like if I'd eaten anything this morning, I'd probably be puking my fuckin guts out right now. I am so disgusted. I can't have a good man to love me and not be eligible for senior citizen discounts. Ohhh fuck no, thats way too damn much to ask. Nope, I gotta be grossed out. I can't have anyone good. I gotta get the strangely lame mu'fuckas. BLAH.

I'm still choked offa what I saw earlier. Damn. I need to get a grip, for reals. I'm trippin. I swear, right when it seems like I'm okay and I'm back in control, something small will go down and trip me up. Fuck. I'm going back to work, since I can't play on AIM. Old fuck. Ewww.