Fearing the worst

I really internalize my pain.

I mean, pain and fear are tangible to me. I can taste pain. Fear sticks in my throat. There are times when I wish I could black out everything and everyone. So much has let me down. I truly have a good life. I've got an excellent career. I couldn't ask for a better family. I even deal with the fact I'm alone. But there are things I fear so much that it keeps me from swallowing anything. Like I really sit and think, and the thought of the thing I fear the most closes my throat like an allergic reaction.

I wonder how I'd handle it if my fear came to pass. I'm not sure I'd be able to play it off. I'd try for the good of everyone concerned, but I know I'd lose it. Because I will be so let down. Even though I already know in my heart that the possibility of this let down is HUGE, nothing really prepares me for it. I try to visualize myself getting the word, smiling magnanimously, and moving on. But I don't see that happening. I see me falling into a severe depression. I see a lot of crying. I see my inferiority complex tripling in size and severity. And worse, I see no end to it in sight. Basically I'd be leveled by that. It would put a hole in my spirit the size of my head... kinda like that slug put in the freezer where I'd been standing when the 12 gauge went off. I see it like its real, a giant hole in my chest where my heart is. I'm sure I'll want to die. I'll have to convince myself not to die, because there is too much to live for.

Then would come the fixing. The putting back together of my life, my pride, my image. I don't even know where I'd begin, and truthfully it probably wouldn't be me trying to fix anything. I'd be too depressed. I have a really bad feeling that what I fear is true. A really, really bad and terrible feeling. I'm afraid that I will get some of the most painful news I'll ever hear. I'm afraid that I'm gonna hear this news before I'm mentally able to digest what even happened. I'm gonna have to figure out how to smile. How to convince people that I'm okay, I'm not hurt. I don't know how I'm gonna do that.

I'm choking again... damn.

I haven't heard anything yet. But I'm not stupid. I already know. No one is gonna want to mention it to me because they wont want to hurt me. But eventually they'll tell me. And I'm gonna fall apart inside, because although I always have seen it coming, I always hoped it would never happen, that it would never come true.

Stupid, stupid me.

I don't even know what to do now. I don't know how to bide my time as I wait for the worst. I just want this shit to hurry up and be over so I can get on with my depression and hopefully move through it quickly.

God I can't breathe.

I think I've given it (as everything else) too much thought. But I can't help it. How do you just do this to yourself over something you have no control over? Man. I need a drink or something.

Oh God help me.