Better days ahead

Today did not suck.

Its funny, I have to learn to find my place in everything. I feel too old to kick it around the undergrads, and I'm too young to really kick it with my older sorors. I'm like the middle child of my chapter. Its cool though. I'm learning how to function in that capacity. I had a bomb ass time at the meeting. I looked too damn good in my blue blazer too. Luckily I took lots of pictures. Unfortunately none were with my own camera. Oh well. One day I'll have this anxiety shit beat for good, and I'll be able to kick it longer. I still get them stupid attacks too frequently. I had to keep fanning myself and finding focal points so I could zone out. But I made it through, and now I'm home where I'm ultra safe. Can't shit get me in here.

I love my CD's. I made a couple of compilations on Thursday, made of my favorite CD's I've got right now. Some songs I still have problems listening to, like "A Million Ways" by Will Downing. I remember when I was with the dope fiend he'd come down to see me, and I'd been at work. He was at my house waiting on me, and I was driving with the top down playing that song all ghetto-sophisticated. I was cruising slow up to the house. I had on this cute blue and white lace sundress, and when I pulled up he was on the curb smiling at me all cute. He wasnt fine by any standards, but he had a cuteness about him. His smile was one of those things. When I parked, I let the top up and the song was still playing. He told me I looked like something in a video the way it all went down. That's always stuck with me, one of our better moments where he wasn't being a selfish spoiled asshole. I'll always remember his smile.

There's another song UC told me about. I love it, but I don't listen to it too much because I don't wanna think about him. It is on an old ass Boyz II Men CD, and I'd have never found out about it if he hadn't told me about it. But it is a beautiful song, and them niggas always could sing. I try to skip past it, but it's hard to do. It is such a nice song. Fucked up though, because it reminds me of a man I can't have. Not a good feeling. Actually there are a few songs he's taken over since I mentioned it earlier in November. I won't list them though, because I honestly don't want to give him or his songs that much thought. I have to remember my goal to master my solo lifestyle, and I can't do that dreaming (day or otherwise) about this beautiful man that'll never be mine.

I didn't talk to him for like 2 days. He's been busy entertaining the homie. So I've done good not trippin too much. I'm not even jealous, which is a huge fuckin surprise to me. I just knew when the friend got there I'd instantly freak. But I'm holding it down. He ain't mine, so what would be the purpose of the jealousy and trippin? Right. No purpose. I'd make an ass of myself.

I'd be lying like a mutha though if I said I didn't wish it was me. It's all good though, my turn is coming. I just hope I figure out how to keep my mouth shut and contain myself when the time arises.

Well I'mma call it a night. I had a successful day. No one knew I was having attacks, I didn't get up and run out (which is a big step for me). I freaked enough to know I'm still not 100%, but not enough for anyone else who doesn't know me to realize what the deal was. My sorors are very supportive, and for that I'm thankful. Ice cream calleth, I'm ghost. Me and Boyz II Men, lol.