Wake me when Jesus shows up.

Man. I am having a bad lifetime.

What really sucks is I'm such a projector. If I'm not doing well, everyone knows it. I don't hide things as well as I'd like. As if thats not bad enough in real life, I'm projecting onto my blog fam as well. My main blog used to be a collection of weird and at times funny shit that'd happen to me on a semi-regular basis. It is now turning into a complain-fest, and I don't like that. I'm thinking about going on a small hiatus from posting there because I'm relatively miserable right now. That's still up for debate, but considering how this weekend turns out, I might take a blog-cation.

He doesn't get it. I don't get why he doesn't get it.

He really had me fooled into thinking this was gonna be painless. It's bad enough I don't really wanna go to this thing, but now I'm gonna be fighting off his advances all night. Great. Just what I needed.

I spoiled him, just like the others. I should have left them all in the crate, nailed shut. But no. I'm to creeped out to go to a company party alone so I get him, thinking we've both matured and things would be different.

He's still holding a pussy grudge against me for cutting him back all those years ago.

I've tried to explain to him that I was trying to get my life on track and I wasn't living right back then. I turned into the chick I was because of things that happened to me, and it wasn't healthy. I'm trying to patiently break all this down, and he's not hearing me. I kinda feel his pain, but I'm pissed. Basically back when we were getting down we were both selfish. Neither of us cared too much about the other... or so he let on. I know where my mind was. He was there for my pleasure and nothing more. So once I'd tried to get my life right he no longer served a purpose. So now I'm supposed to believe that he was really caring about me the whole time? And I'm some kinda monsterous wench who just did him smooth dirty?

Naw homie. I ain't buyin that shit.

This is why I miss having a boyfriend. If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn't give a shit about old fuck-buddies who live for the day that I'll call them back so they can unload all their little issues on me. I mean, from what I know the shit was mutual. So now why am I the poster child for Scanless Bitches United all of a sudden? I don't get it.

I dont want to be that chick I was back then. I want to be good. I want to be loved, cared about, and respected... and not because of how good I am in bed. I want a man that values me, who will understand why I am the way I am. Who will love me regardless. I've discussed that a zillion times, it still hasnt happened.

I miss having fun with the un-crush. Now I'm so paranoid about acting like I don't like him I'm scared to say too much to him anymore. When the fuck did that happen? Oh yeah... over the past few days. I projected my insecurities and fears onto that situation as well, now I'm not even free to kick-it. I have to think about everything and concentrate so fuckin hard on not crushing on him I can't even enjoy him anymore. My loss, I suppose. I'm so damn insecure about every little fuckin thing. I suck sometimes.

Well lemme get back to work. I think I'mma announce my blog hiatus effective immediately... because I don't see my mood changing any time soon.