Stronger than pride
Sade called it.
I was all set to have a nice reflective evening alone. I'd started on this entry before he popped up online. I thought he wasn't coming online tonight... wrong. And then I accidentally deleted the whole post. Leaving me to reflect some more and start over.
Basically I'm still fighting. I'll admit, I want to see him. Super bad. I'm so close to just taking a couple of vacation days and heading east next month after the holidays have settled and ended. It's a good thing I have home training and dont know anyone else out there. Thats whats stopping me. I dont impose on people, not even folks I consider friends. But I really want to see him... just to see what it would be like to be around him. To see if he'd really be able to make me smile as much in real life as he does in my cyber-life. Although I know I'm not the right one for him, I'd still like to see. My common sense tells me that I'm setting myself up to fail and get slapped with rejection if I do go through with that, so it isn't likely I'll be headed that way prior to the 85th in July. But the psycho side is all like, "You'll never know unless you get out there." But thats the same side that had me pledging a sorority after undergrad, with a full time job and a full time life. And now I have at least 3 occasions a month to panic and come up with excuses to hide in my room behind the beloved glow of my broke ass laptop. So I think I know which side I'm listening to between the two.
I can't believe I have to fight so hard about someone I've never met before. I mean, I'm really on struggle mode here. One minute I think I'm over it, next minute I'm right back where I started. I keep complaining that it doesn't make sense, and now I'm sitting here listening to Sade sing about how love is stronger than pride and I'm all like, "yeah... I can dig it." At this point I'm all vulnerable and stupid up against him. I know I don't need to entertain stupid thoughts of me meeting him and him thinking I'm all ultra fine and wonderful. I know the shit wouldn't go down like that.
He's what I've deemed a "set-up artist". He's got a way of phrasing his questions and statements to prompt certain answers on my part. I'm pretty intuitive about certain things, the whole "yeah thats what you want me to say" kinda situation. I usually try not to fall for it too much, purposely answering in a neutral manner. But sometimes he's persistent. I've seen him rephrase questions a few times until he got the answer he wanted. He turns me into a sucka. I can't help worrying about him. He's been working late and I know he ain't eating well. I tell myself it aint my problem, only to make it my problem later. Ugh.
Well he's on his way home... so I can go back to my reflective contemplation sans the outside sexy influence of him. Lemme turn the Sade back up. I had to change CD's while talking to him. I'm too vulnerable against him... certain music doesn't help. On from the phase of hating my own guts to the second phase... wallowing in the mess until I become oblivious. I hope this works, I think it kinda worked last time. Shit, its worth a try considering the insanity-inducing alternatives of self-hatred and completely ignoring reality altogether.
Let the numbing phase begin.
I was all set to have a nice reflective evening alone. I'd started on this entry before he popped up online. I thought he wasn't coming online tonight... wrong. And then I accidentally deleted the whole post. Leaving me to reflect some more and start over.
Basically I'm still fighting. I'll admit, I want to see him. Super bad. I'm so close to just taking a couple of vacation days and heading east next month after the holidays have settled and ended. It's a good thing I have home training and dont know anyone else out there. Thats whats stopping me. I dont impose on people, not even folks I consider friends. But I really want to see him... just to see what it would be like to be around him. To see if he'd really be able to make me smile as much in real life as he does in my cyber-life. Although I know I'm not the right one for him, I'd still like to see. My common sense tells me that I'm setting myself up to fail and get slapped with rejection if I do go through with that, so it isn't likely I'll be headed that way prior to the 85th in July. But the psycho side is all like, "You'll never know unless you get out there." But thats the same side that had me pledging a sorority after undergrad, with a full time job and a full time life. And now I have at least 3 occasions a month to panic and come up with excuses to hide in my room behind the beloved glow of my broke ass laptop. So I think I know which side I'm listening to between the two.
I can't believe I have to fight so hard about someone I've never met before. I mean, I'm really on struggle mode here. One minute I think I'm over it, next minute I'm right back where I started. I keep complaining that it doesn't make sense, and now I'm sitting here listening to Sade sing about how love is stronger than pride and I'm all like, "yeah... I can dig it." At this point I'm all vulnerable and stupid up against him. I know I don't need to entertain stupid thoughts of me meeting him and him thinking I'm all ultra fine and wonderful. I know the shit wouldn't go down like that.
He's what I've deemed a "set-up artist". He's got a way of phrasing his questions and statements to prompt certain answers on my part. I'm pretty intuitive about certain things, the whole "yeah thats what you want me to say" kinda situation. I usually try not to fall for it too much, purposely answering in a neutral manner. But sometimes he's persistent. I've seen him rephrase questions a few times until he got the answer he wanted. He turns me into a sucka. I can't help worrying about him. He's been working late and I know he ain't eating well. I tell myself it aint my problem, only to make it my problem later. Ugh.
Well he's on his way home... so I can go back to my reflective contemplation sans the outside sexy influence of him. Lemme turn the Sade back up. I had to change CD's while talking to him. I'm too vulnerable against him... certain music doesn't help. On from the phase of hating my own guts to the second phase... wallowing in the mess until I become oblivious. I hope this works, I think it kinda worked last time. Shit, its worth a try considering the insanity-inducing alternatives of self-hatred and completely ignoring reality altogether.
Let the numbing phase begin.
posted by ~~~. at 12/14/2004 08:05:00 PM
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