So I guess I'm supposed to be flattered.

At some point I woke up looking like an am.ate.ur p.or.n star.

I mean, I must have. I keep getting approached by these strange niggas who want me to do their bootleg movies, calendars, cd covers, just all kinds of wack shit. I don't know when this happened, but maybe I need to try to get back to nerd status. At least I could walk into a Burger King back then without getting propositioned.

I don't get it. Why do these niggas constantly target me? There was 3 other chicks in line, all decent looking. But they walked up on me after I put in my order. Ugh. They must be stupid. I still live around here. All I'd need is for someone to tell my brother they saw me in some por.no. That would be the end of my life. And besides... the shit is nasty. I dont know what them grimy niggas been touching before they got to me. And I damn sure dont want nobody touching themselves while looking at me. Man. I wanna throw up just thinking about it. I couldn't be no star like that. I'll be nasty as fuck for my man, but not for the general public. I just can't get down like that. Not for all the money in the world. One day I'mma have a shitload of sons. And I'd hate for them to be at their homies house, doing stupid boy shit and their homie puts in their dad's p.or.no and there I am on the screen. NEVER.

My fake love life is in an uproar.

I should just give up. I regret not fucking the ex Friday night. I mean, really regret it. He used to make me feel so beautiful. He'd stare me down with those brown eyes before he'd touch me. He'd always mumble shit to himself as he looked at me. I really felt like I was pretty in his eyes. I saw him today when I came home from work, and I know he was thinking about it. Shit, I was thinking about it. Thinking about how he kissed the scars on my shoulder from the buckshots. He always did that. Its like it hurt him to see them. He always closes his eyes and kisses them, kinda shaking his head. It was so hard to walk away from him. The Un-Crush just popped up in my mind, kinda turning me off for a second. But the look on my ex's face spoke the words he couldn't. And I thought I was done with him. I'm done with his bullshit, sure enough. I wish he'd either grow up, or I'd just miraculously wake up stupid so that we could be together. I just cannot be with a spineless man. He needs to have my back. I need to be able to depend on him just as he can depend on me. The one-way shit just aint fair. But while he was kissing my neck and shoulders, it all seemed okay. When I kissed him back, it was all okay. I could feel his voice in his throat when I ran my fingers down his back, reveling in how soft his skin was, inhaling him. Damn I missed that Dolce & Gabbana. I missed the feeling of all that dick pressed up against me. I can't believe I had that feeling right there... and I let it go. I walked away.

I know I was just having one of those stupid horny moments. Them kinda moments where I'm all about getting mine. Thats why I'm kinda glad I stopped it before we actually had sex. Because I know he's still attached to me. And I would have been using him for his exceptional dick, and then I'd have gone home satisfied. But he woulda been expecting shit to change and it just can't.

Once I was talking to Un-Crush about the whole situation with the ex and I. He asked me what happened, and I broke it all down to him. This was before I developed the dumb ass, libido-destroying crush on him. Anyway, he told me to give the ex a couple of years and he'd be ready to man up and handle the business where we were concerned. I replied that I don't have a couple of years. I want shit right now. But at the rate I'm going, I might just end up alone for two more years, and then the ex will pull his head outta his ass.

Funny how I ended up liking this nigga now. I didn't talk to him today. I didn't go on AIM at work at all. It was difficult, but I did it. I know I have to break the dependance I have on him. I'm working on it one day at a time. I'll miss him in my dreams, but this is for the best. If given the slightest chance I could love him. But that would do me in. I'm proud of myself though. I see where I'm growing apart from the whole crush thing. Of course this happened before and I just reverted back. But maybe I can hold my own this time.