Sitting on my ass...

and thinking way too much.

I miss the ex, and I'm in desperate need of DI. So I think I'm gonna say to hell with the celibacy for the rest of the year (this week) and just start over in January. Start from the beginning of the new year, and keep my draws on for as long as humanly possible.

It's just not gonna work this week.

I see the ex and he's still so gorgeous to me. I've got all these memories of us wrapped around each other, crackin jokes after it's all done. Memories of scratching up his back feeling his voice in his throat as he said my name. Memories of the cold wall against my back as he held me and made love to me. I miss the way he'd slap my ass when it felt too good to him. I miss the way he'd hold me from the back and kiss my shoulders. When I think about how good I feel when I'm with him, I want to just close my eyes to his stupidity. But I can't. At some point the eyes wont be able to stay shut. I mean, I love him. But he just isn't for me. That is so damn cold. I miss laughing at his skinny ankles and the way he looked in his work socks. When you love someone, everything about them is okay with you. On any other man, I'd have cut him back because of those ankles. But him? Naw. That's all a part of my baby. Them tattoos that cover his arms. Those light brown eyes that can stare holes through me. I miss it all. It's hard to see him and not think of the instances where we'd be just hugged up not saying anything. Those were the times I'd listen to him breathing and put my head on his shoulder. When it rains I think of it more. I remember what it was like to fall asleep under his covers with him next to me, and to feel him tighten his grip if I moved just a little. I didn't get to fall asleep next to him often. I usually had to go home to keep the hood outta our business. But sometimes I'd be lucky and I'd pass out after getting dicked down oh so wonderfully.

I didn't even mind when he'd drink. He wasn't a hard drinker, because he'd already fought with alcohol when he was younger. Now he just has a long island iced tea every now and then. When he drinks his eyes get low, and he looks so relaxed. I love to see him look like that. His eyes would get a little red, and it seemed to make the brown stand out more. He never smelled bad. I can't remember one time I was with him where he stunk. Even if I caught him right from playing ball he still smelled good to me. Even without the D&G, just the smell of him was hypnotic. Sometimes he'd just put his head in my lap or on my stomach if I was laying down. My hands remember what it felt like to rub his head. I'd always kiss him on the forehead and tell him how big his head was. I miss holding his hands. I miss the stupid stick he'd always be chewing on. I just miss him.

I wonder why things have to go that way. On the real, I only loved one other person more than I love him. I wonder what it is that keeps him bound to the insanity of the bullshit he submerges himself in. The bullshit that I cannot partake in no matter how hard I try. I know he's younger than me, and that's probably the main issue. He has a lot of growing to do. Its like I'm willing to wait, but damn. He can't see where he needs to grow up. This is just how he is. And that puts me in a bad position.

The position of focusing my affection on someone that I can't have for more than one reason. I believe that subconsciously I want the ex to get it together. That's probably why I won't even pay attention to someone in my general vicinity. Nope, I focus my displaced attention on someone on the east coast, who is hyper and everything that I am not. Who looks for everything that I cannot be. Because I know I don't stand a snowballs chance in hell with him, so ultimately I'll be alone and open for the ex if he ever gets his head outta his ass. If I really thought I stood a chance with Un-Crush, I'd probably just leave him alone. If I really honestly felt that he'd give me the time of day I don't think I'd be so apt to want to stick around. I'm not sure. Part of me wants to push my luck and see just how far I could get with UC. He is sexy and intelligent, and he's a sweetheart. But then I can't deny how much I miss and desire my ex. Especially since UC seems to be relegating me to the friend zone.

Fuck it, just fuck it all.