Loving you?
Damn man... therapy costs, but blogger is free. Thank the Lord.
I had to cut my conversation short. I opted to this evening. I could ask a zillion questions all night long about things that aren't my business. But like I told myself, I have to be stronger. Might as well start now.
I can't allow myself to fall in love with a man who doesn't know me.
Problem is, I know things about him now. I drift between seeing him as a friend and seeing him as MY special friend. I'm kinda in his life without being in his life for real. It's like a parallel existence. I'm running back home to this damn computer as if he's really there. I'm all fanatical about his health and shit, as if I'm available to take care of him if he gets sick (or as if he'd even want me to). I'm all happy because he "talks" to me. Like I'm super fresh and special or something. I guess I'm just tired of being silly.
I realize most of my entries here sound the same. I am forever proclaiming what I know to be true about my situation with him. I do this so I can go back, look over it, reinforce the shit. Stop the insanity at some point. I should just go back to counseling and tell Dr. dude about this mess. Maybe that would help me get over it. Or not. But I know it's no fun spinning my wheels in place.
I saw the ex this evening, we talked for a while. I basically told him that there's no hard feelings, but things wouldn't be changing between us. I still wanted to let him go down though... he was only so damn good at that. God. It's been an eternity since I cried them kinda tears. I miss that. I miss my hugs and kisses. I let him hug me, and it was sort of wrong, but I needed that hug as bad as he did. I felt whole for just a second, and then I remembered I couldn't use him like that. I had to let go. Because physically it was all good, but he could never be the man I need him to be.
And then I haul ass in here, to the computer where the object of my misplaced ass affection sits a couple of time zones away, chopping it up with me and who knows who else.
AWB dont fail me now.
I had to cut my conversation short. I opted to this evening. I could ask a zillion questions all night long about things that aren't my business. But like I told myself, I have to be stronger. Might as well start now.
I can't allow myself to fall in love with a man who doesn't know me.
Problem is, I know things about him now. I drift between seeing him as a friend and seeing him as MY special friend. I'm kinda in his life without being in his life for real. It's like a parallel existence. I'm running back home to this damn computer as if he's really there. I'm all fanatical about his health and shit, as if I'm available to take care of him if he gets sick (or as if he'd even want me to). I'm all happy because he "talks" to me. Like I'm super fresh and special or something. I guess I'm just tired of being silly.
I realize most of my entries here sound the same. I am forever proclaiming what I know to be true about my situation with him. I do this so I can go back, look over it, reinforce the shit. Stop the insanity at some point. I should just go back to counseling and tell Dr. dude about this mess. Maybe that would help me get over it. Or not. But I know it's no fun spinning my wheels in place.
I saw the ex this evening, we talked for a while. I basically told him that there's no hard feelings, but things wouldn't be changing between us. I still wanted to let him go down though... he was only so damn good at that. God. It's been an eternity since I cried them kinda tears. I miss that. I miss my hugs and kisses. I let him hug me, and it was sort of wrong, but I needed that hug as bad as he did. I felt whole for just a second, and then I remembered I couldn't use him like that. I had to let go. Because physically it was all good, but he could never be the man I need him to be.
And then I haul ass in here, to the computer where the object of my misplaced ass affection sits a couple of time zones away, chopping it up with me and who knows who else.
AWB dont fail me now.
posted by ~~~. at 12/16/2004 08:38:00 PM
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