I'm a sucka, but its okay.

I've been having a good day since my rude ass wake up call. The decorations are up, the house looks lovely. I'm feeling slightly festive thanks to the lights and garland we put up around the place.

I like to think about when I get my own house, the way I'll decorate it, the way it'll smell when I bake cookies and light the scented oil, how pretty it will be with the candles lit and the lights strewn across various areas in the house, certain oldies and r & b playing in the background all day. It's gonna be so beautiful.

I'm feeling a little hopeful this evening... like just maybe something good is gonna happen for me. I dont know whether it's the music, the lights, or what, but I definitely feel a slight lift in my spirits. And God knows it came not a minute too soon.

I'm still feeling the effects of knowing that Un-Crush likes me a little bit. It brought back the butterflies, thats for sure. As much as I fight it, I can't fight it off completely. I've been trying all day. There's something about finding out you're not as crazy as you thought... it feels kinda good. In the midst of the stress and seemingly never ending anxiety attacks I deal with through the day, I can think of him and know that there's an actual chance he's thinking of me too. I remember the little convo we had the Tuesday after the holiday, he told me he'd been thinking of me and he wanted to wish me a happy holiday but he didn't have a phone number or anything. I thought it was kinda weird for him to think of me on the holiday to the point where he'd want to contact me. But I refused to think anything of it (remembering my mantra).

It's probably a bad thing that I know about his ever-so-slight reciprocation of my feelings. It in no way helps me stay over him. In my ridiculous, regressed mind I find that even the smallest hint of feeling represents hope on my part, and hoping for this situation is just bad judgement. Super bad. Like jumping out of a speeding car onto the 105 fwy in the dark with all black on kinda bad.

I wish I could have someone closer that I know I'd have an actual chance with. I know I really dont have too much of a chance with Un-Crush (I might as well quit calling him that since I like him again), but the thought is there. And obviously it's there for him too.

I don't know what to do. So I'll just stand still and not do anything. I'll keep talking to him as I always have, making no sudden moves. Because one thing stands, regardless of my own mental fluctuations on this situation. If anything is to change in regards to our friendship, it will be 100% on him. He will have to initiate the change, and follow through once he's started it. If he never does anything about this, then we'll just remain friends only and I'll eventually find someone with whom I feel secure in the fact that I'm on their level in terms of sophistication and class. And also certain that my phenotypic qualities match what they want.

Well, let me go enjoy the lights.