Executed proper style
Well I've properly executed my anxiety disorder ridden weekend.
Sorority function Friday night: Check. Attended for a hot ass minute, dropped off the rolls, smiled and hugged, got my black ass in the wind.
Company party Saturday night: Check. Got lost thanks to the thick ass LBC dew-slash-rain, got there late, got sexually harrassed by drunken coworkers, left after dinner.
Sorority meeting this afternoon: Check. Somehow got thrown into the Co-Chair position for the community service commitee. Also in charge of sending correspondence on the chapter's behalf to national headquarters (ain't this what a secretary does? I write too damn well).
So the stress level has been cut substantially. I'm safe at home with the satin cap on and the pj's, chillin. I hate this social anxiety/panic disorder bullshit. The only time I really feel safe is at home in my room, or at work in the confines of the lab. I have such a hard time stepping out doing anything. But at least I'm trying. I think this is why I should have children though... I'd have a reason to come out. It seems when I'm defending others, or working with the ones I love I have no problem. I can do anything under those circumstances. I become Super Bitch under those circumstances. But if it's just me alone? Hell naw. I can't do much other than freak out and contemplate an escape route to get me back home.
I wonder what kinda man I'm gonna end up with. I ultimately need someone who will understand that I'm not an "outside" person and who wont fault me for it. Someone who wont mind going to the store without me, or taking extra care to stand super close when I do get bold enough to do some stuff. Who wont complain because I want to hold his hand and walk close to him in the mall, or accuse me of being jealous and untrusting. I mean, the condition isn't debilitating exactly, rather it's just annoying. I don't have these problems all the time, but when I do have them they're major. The only time I don't is when I'm in charge of someone who is dependant on me.
One thing is for damn sure, he's gonna have to love the shit outta me. I'm not getting married until I'm certain of this nigga's undying unconditional love for me. Because if he doesn't love me that much, he wont understand or want to understand. And that means he'll hurt me. And that means that I'll have to snipe his ass from the roof of our home with the assau.lt rif.le I plan to buy.
Okay, maybe not that drastically. But I'll have to recruit someone to beat his fuckin ass.
I wish I could push fast forward on my life. There's so much I want to do, things I want to get through. I want to make it to the next step, but for some reason I pulled to Dont Pass Go, Don't Collect $200 card. I'm stuck as fuck. No prospect of a husband, no children, no 6 bedroom house over the mountain range. No nothing. A car note, college loans, thats about it. It's all good though, I know God has something in mind for me, I just wish I knew what. I wish he'd make me all over so I could quit cussing, quit being so scared of everything, forget all the terrible things that happened to me when I was in college. Just have a brand new, un-crazy mind. Thing is, I know there are a shitload of people who have it worse than I do. Where I'm marginally crazy, these folks are certified and have to live in homes. Where I'm generally broke, I still have a little shit to show for myself. Some folks are broke with no remedy.
Ironically, none of that makes me feel better. I resent myself for feeling all crazy and shit when there are people who are legitimately insane. Thats why no one that ever talks to me is gonna hear about how crazy I am. Thats why I discuss it here. Because I know things could be worse. I know my problem isnt as bad as someone elses. But it seems bad enough to me. Things arent worse for me... they are what they are. And right now things seem to stay on the shitty side.
But I will keep my complaining here, and call it a successful day. No matter how I'm feeling inside, I pulled it off on the outside. And thats good enough for me right now.
Sorority function Friday night: Check. Attended for a hot ass minute, dropped off the rolls, smiled and hugged, got my black ass in the wind.
Company party Saturday night: Check. Got lost thanks to the thick ass LBC dew-slash-rain, got there late, got sexually harrassed by drunken coworkers, left after dinner.
Sorority meeting this afternoon: Check. Somehow got thrown into the Co-Chair position for the community service commitee. Also in charge of sending correspondence on the chapter's behalf to national headquarters (ain't this what a secretary does? I write too damn well).
So the stress level has been cut substantially. I'm safe at home with the satin cap on and the pj's, chillin. I hate this social anxiety/panic disorder bullshit. The only time I really feel safe is at home in my room, or at work in the confines of the lab. I have such a hard time stepping out doing anything. But at least I'm trying. I think this is why I should have children though... I'd have a reason to come out. It seems when I'm defending others, or working with the ones I love I have no problem. I can do anything under those circumstances. I become Super Bitch under those circumstances. But if it's just me alone? Hell naw. I can't do much other than freak out and contemplate an escape route to get me back home.
I wonder what kinda man I'm gonna end up with. I ultimately need someone who will understand that I'm not an "outside" person and who wont fault me for it. Someone who wont mind going to the store without me, or taking extra care to stand super close when I do get bold enough to do some stuff. Who wont complain because I want to hold his hand and walk close to him in the mall, or accuse me of being jealous and untrusting. I mean, the condition isn't debilitating exactly, rather it's just annoying. I don't have these problems all the time, but when I do have them they're major. The only time I don't is when I'm in charge of someone who is dependant on me.
One thing is for damn sure, he's gonna have to love the shit outta me. I'm not getting married until I'm certain of this nigga's undying unconditional love for me. Because if he doesn't love me that much, he wont understand or want to understand. And that means he'll hurt me. And that means that I'll have to snipe his ass from the roof of our home with the assau.lt rif.le I plan to buy.
Okay, maybe not that drastically. But I'll have to recruit someone to beat his fuckin ass.
I wish I could push fast forward on my life. There's so much I want to do, things I want to get through. I want to make it to the next step, but for some reason I pulled to Dont Pass Go, Don't Collect $200 card. I'm stuck as fuck. No prospect of a husband, no children, no 6 bedroom house over the mountain range. No nothing. A car note, college loans, thats about it. It's all good though, I know God has something in mind for me, I just wish I knew what. I wish he'd make me all over so I could quit cussing, quit being so scared of everything, forget all the terrible things that happened to me when I was in college. Just have a brand new, un-crazy mind. Thing is, I know there are a shitload of people who have it worse than I do. Where I'm marginally crazy, these folks are certified and have to live in homes. Where I'm generally broke, I still have a little shit to show for myself. Some folks are broke with no remedy.
Ironically, none of that makes me feel better. I resent myself for feeling all crazy and shit when there are people who are legitimately insane. Thats why no one that ever talks to me is gonna hear about how crazy I am. Thats why I discuss it here. Because I know things could be worse. I know my problem isnt as bad as someone elses. But it seems bad enough to me. Things arent worse for me... they are what they are. And right now things seem to stay on the shitty side.
But I will keep my complaining here, and call it a successful day. No matter how I'm feeling inside, I pulled it off on the outside. And thats good enough for me right now.
posted by ~~~. at 12/12/2004 04:51:00 PM
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