---------------
He's still affecting me.
The only reason I didn't get into more trouble on Friday night was because my thoughts of him jumped in the way. He is really blocking me from getting dick. In the case of Friday, this was a good thing. But in general, it's becoming a handicap.
I don't understand my own mind sometimes. It's been discussed a million times, in great detail how I will not be the Un-Crush's woman. All of the things I lack have been thoroughly examined and reviewed. So how is it that he is affecting my sex life? I mean, it was on and crackin on Friday. I was feeling like I hadn't felt in months... I needed everything I was getting. And suddenly I called it quits. Just like that. I closed my eyes and saw his damn face, and that was it. Like I said, considering where I was and who I was with, it worked out. I shouldn't have been there in the first place, which is what I said to get me out of the mess. But what about if I'm somewhere else? With someone else who is super sexy and not an asshole? And who I want to give up the ass to really really badly? Is this man whom I cannot have going to ruin all of my future possible sexual encounters?
Cold. Oh so cold.
And as always, I don't know what to do. I have no one to really talk to about it, because crushes are stupid, and no one wants to hear about that all the time. Like I said, I can only be so fussy about it right now since he got me out of hot water on Friday. I was about to screw up super major right then. But I cannot see me not getting any dick ever again because I can't stop thinking about him. And his lips. And the voice I've never heard.
Truth is, I'm doing myself dirty here. I need dick, bottom line. In a real way. I swear, I could feel myself sliding out of common sense right along with my clothes. It was such a wonderful feeling for a second, feeling him breathing against me, his rough and familiar hands removing my shirt and bra. I missed that feeling. And then, booyakasha... it was over. I snapped, gathered up my clothes, and walked out on some guaranteed prime dick. Good enough to make me cry dick. I walked back up in here, alone, went to bed... alone, thinking of a nigga I don't belong to.
Never thought I'd see the day where I'd be so insane I'd walk away from bonafied good sex. I've truly lost my damn mind.
---Edit--- 8:06 pm -----
Well, he came online. I didn't expect him until Monday. I did miss him though. I cut the conversation short again. I didn't want the emotions to start showing up. Once I feel the light friendliness giving way to the heavier feelings, I shake the spot. I can't inflict all that on him. His life is so interesting and fun. I would definitely not fit in there. Oh well. More incentive to get my head outta my ass and find someone else to focus on.
The only reason I didn't get into more trouble on Friday night was because my thoughts of him jumped in the way. He is really blocking me from getting dick. In the case of Friday, this was a good thing. But in general, it's becoming a handicap.
I don't understand my own mind sometimes. It's been discussed a million times, in great detail how I will not be the Un-Crush's woman. All of the things I lack have been thoroughly examined and reviewed. So how is it that he is affecting my sex life? I mean, it was on and crackin on Friday. I was feeling like I hadn't felt in months... I needed everything I was getting. And suddenly I called it quits. Just like that. I closed my eyes and saw his damn face, and that was it. Like I said, considering where I was and who I was with, it worked out. I shouldn't have been there in the first place, which is what I said to get me out of the mess. But what about if I'm somewhere else? With someone else who is super sexy and not an asshole? And who I want to give up the ass to really really badly? Is this man whom I cannot have going to ruin all of my future possible sexual encounters?
Cold. Oh so cold.
And as always, I don't know what to do. I have no one to really talk to about it, because crushes are stupid, and no one wants to hear about that all the time. Like I said, I can only be so fussy about it right now since he got me out of hot water on Friday. I was about to screw up super major right then. But I cannot see me not getting any dick ever again because I can't stop thinking about him. And his lips. And the voice I've never heard.
Truth is, I'm doing myself dirty here. I need dick, bottom line. In a real way. I swear, I could feel myself sliding out of common sense right along with my clothes. It was such a wonderful feeling for a second, feeling him breathing against me, his rough and familiar hands removing my shirt and bra. I missed that feeling. And then, booyakasha... it was over. I snapped, gathered up my clothes, and walked out on some guaranteed prime dick. Good enough to make me cry dick. I walked back up in here, alone, went to bed... alone, thinking of a nigga I don't belong to.
Never thought I'd see the day where I'd be so insane I'd walk away from bonafied good sex. I've truly lost my damn mind.
---Edit--- 8:06 pm -----
Well, he came online. I didn't expect him until Monday. I did miss him though. I cut the conversation short again. I didn't want the emotions to start showing up. Once I feel the light friendliness giving way to the heavier feelings, I shake the spot. I can't inflict all that on him. His life is so interesting and fun. I would definitely not fit in there. Oh well. More incentive to get my head outta my ass and find someone else to focus on.
posted by ~~~. at 12/19/2004 06:36:00 PM
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