Blatant refusal

I was going to post in my main blog, but I'm having somewhat of an emotional crisis.

Or something.

Actually I've just got a lot of shit on my mind that has nothing to do with the happy-go-grumpy theme of the main blog.

#1. I hate gift-exchanges. Shit, I hate anything that infringes upon my pre-ordained schedule.
#2. I'm tired of not getting any dick. But for reasons already examined, I continue to remain celibate. Can I say I hate myself now?
#3. Today is going to be a hard day. I've got a lot of work, and for some reason I can't move away from my desk to do the shit.
#4. I wanted to do that meme on "11 things you'd never say" or some shit like that. But I dont want to put it in the main blog because then niggas will think certain shit applies to them, or will try to psychoanalyze me in the comments. Besides, I dont have 11 things... probably more like 4 or 5.
#5. Well I guess I'll put it in here where its safe.

1. You're the reason I'm so fucked up. I'd tell you this to your face, once I made sure my front tire was firmly embedded into your chest cavity. You're the reason I don't trust men. You're the reason I'm crazy and scared to go anywhere alone (read= without my damn family members). I hate you, and I sincerely hope someone kills you, but only after thoroughly torturing you first.

2. You're beautiful. I will always love you. I've tried not to, but I know in my heart that I always will. You brought me so much joy, and although it was mostly intertwined with pain and strife, the joy is what stands out in my mind. I miss your Newports. I miss your air force ones. I miss your do-rag with the pictures of the 100 bills on it. I miss that huge black hoodie you'd let me wear that looked like a dress on me. I miss your moms house up in the bay, your brother, and your white stepdaddy. He was cool. Out of all the boyfriends I've ever had, I truly loved you most. And I always will.

3. You've taken over too much of my mind. Some days I'm rid of you, many days I'm not. I'm emotionally tired from what you've done to me inside, and you have no clue. You confuse me. Remind me of how not-good-enough I really am. All without trying to. I feel inadequate in your suggested presence. And no, it isn't your fault I'm such a looney loseristic chick. I'm not blaming you and your wonderfulness at all. But you're definitely the catalyst to my self-doubt. One day I'll stop seeing you in my sleep, I'm sure. You know, you're a guilty pleasure. One I know I shouldn't have but I keep you on the side of my nightstand anyways. Guess I'm kinda masochistic... maybe I like pain more than what I let on. I must, to keep torturing myself with you and your beauty, both inner and outer. But one day I'll get my mind back from you. I must. Because you and I can never be. For now though, I'll continue to get caught up in your intelligence, your kindness, your sincerity. I'll allow it to continue to choke me out for now.

4. Some best friend you turned out to be. As much as I cared about you, how could you allow yourself to be so envious of me that you'd hurt me so? You know anything I had was yours. I never wanted to be smart... I even gave you that so you could graduate with me. I downplayed myself so much, I never wanted to outshine you. I hid behind you. I woulda got my ass beat if it woulda spared you somehow. And when it counted, you couldn't be happy for me. That hurts, even now.

5. (This one is to myself.) You should be stronger. You must become stronger. No one should be allowed to define who you are in your own eyes. Your existence shouldnt be validated by how many children you dont have, how many men you have had, how unloved you feel. You must learn to look past the bullshit and see that you are worth it. You are good enough. You do look good to someone. In someone's eyes, you're beautiful, you're smart. You've given the world too much power over you for too long. At some point you have to learn to take back what was snatched from you. You have to learn to let go. Build your confidence in yourself. Love who God made you to be. They always say He didn't make any mistakes. Believe and feel secure that He knows your pain. He knows where you've been. He knows why you are the woman you are right now. And trust and believe He will provide someone for you who will know your pain, and cause you no more. Stand firm in who you are... and wait on the Lord.

Well I think I'mma go to work now.