Always the sucka.

So of course we was talking on AIM.

And it hit me like a brick:

Fuck it! So what if you have a crush on him? So what if he doesn't really care or only cares a little bit? Who gives a shit if he doesn't know what you look like? Obviously no one but me. So just fuck it all.

I have to find out how to conduct life around this bullshit.

I will eventually find someone to like who is in my general vicinity. Someone equally sexy and smart, but who can actually give me a hug when I need it... like right now. I have such a good time talking to him. But it really makes me long for what I cannot have. I can't have him. Simple as that. I want him, I want him to want me in the same way. I can't have that. I know it. And it sucks. I told him I wanted another picture of him. He sent me a really good one, he's got this calm, "i dont give a shit" look on his face. Just as fine as he wants to be. And so inaccessible. It's a slow torture really.

But at least he's gonna give me a drinking lesson when I get there in July.

That reminds me. He said something that almost made me choke.

We were discussing the fact that I was a lightweight and that I knew he'd watch me if I passed out. He was like, "don't worry, I got you."

"I got you". Thats what he said.

He's trying to do me in and he doesn't even know it. He doesn't even know, I mean, how did he know? I dont recall him saying that before. He doesn't know what those three words mean in respect to me. He said the magic damn words. He ain't supposed to say that to me. He's not in the right place to say that to me. He's not close enough, he doesn't know enough about me. He has no clue.

But he said it.

I'm going to bed. Fuck this.