Too many emotions, too much time.
I'm trippin.
This is what happens when I ditch all previously arranged obligations to stay home and vege out. I end up with too much time on my hands to contemplate shit I shouldn't even be worried about. For example, I saw this postage stamp that said "Test early for Sickle Cell". But thats not what got me... it was the picture on the stamp. It was a skinny black lady with a regular thick ponytail, a wife-beater, holding a fat baby boy, giving him a kiss.
My mom said it made her think of me, thats why she brought it home to show me.
It did look a lot like me, I wear my hair in one ponytail when its not braided in cornrows. I'm forever in wife-beaters and shorts. She was thin, just like me. It was uncanny. But what got me was the little baby.
I dont have a baby, and according to my calculations I probably wont even get married until I'm 33. I want to marry on my birthday. It falls on a weekend in 2005 which ain't going down. The next time it's on a weekend is in 2012, when I'll be 33. So I guess a baby is even further away. Sometimes I'm okay with this, but sometimes I'm not. This is a definite "not" moment.
Sometimes things hit a little harder than others. I can convince myself that its a good thing that I am a career woman. I have a damn good career too. One where my people dont have a strong presence, so I am truly blessed each time I walk into my place of occupation. I know this. I know it's good that I went to school and actually finished. I know I've done the right thing where my life is concerned.
But there is a big part of me that wanted to be a mother before I hit 30. And I don't see that happening.
Its funny, I browsed through one of the homies blogs and saw she'd posted something along similar lines. I thought, "man. I feel you homie." And then, not even a few hours later, here comes Mom with this stamp. The stamp that made her smile, because she thought of me. But made me cringe because it's a reminder of what's ultimately missing from my life. Shit, I can't even get a man who can truly and honestly love me all the way.
I mean, even if I buy the huge house, hit up the adoption agency (which will incidentally give me hell since i'll be a single parent) and somehow by the grace of God finally walk out with a son, I wouldn't have given birth to him. If he needs a kidney or something, there's the chance that I wont be a match. He'll have a whole set of issues to deal with upon reaching the age where he wants to know where his dad is, when I have to explain to him that not only does he not have a dad, I'm not really his mom either. How fucked is that?
All that shit could be avoided if I could just have my own.
Naw, scratch that. All this shit could be avoided if I had something else to think about. I'm going to Quiznos.
This is what happens when I ditch all previously arranged obligations to stay home and vege out. I end up with too much time on my hands to contemplate shit I shouldn't even be worried about. For example, I saw this postage stamp that said "Test early for Sickle Cell". But thats not what got me... it was the picture on the stamp. It was a skinny black lady with a regular thick ponytail, a wife-beater, holding a fat baby boy, giving him a kiss.
My mom said it made her think of me, thats why she brought it home to show me.
It did look a lot like me, I wear my hair in one ponytail when its not braided in cornrows. I'm forever in wife-beaters and shorts. She was thin, just like me. It was uncanny. But what got me was the little baby.
I dont have a baby, and according to my calculations I probably wont even get married until I'm 33. I want to marry on my birthday. It falls on a weekend in 2005 which ain't going down. The next time it's on a weekend is in 2012, when I'll be 33. So I guess a baby is even further away. Sometimes I'm okay with this, but sometimes I'm not. This is a definite "not" moment.
Sometimes things hit a little harder than others. I can convince myself that its a good thing that I am a career woman. I have a damn good career too. One where my people dont have a strong presence, so I am truly blessed each time I walk into my place of occupation. I know this. I know it's good that I went to school and actually finished. I know I've done the right thing where my life is concerned.
But there is a big part of me that wanted to be a mother before I hit 30. And I don't see that happening.
Its funny, I browsed through one of the homies blogs and saw she'd posted something along similar lines. I thought, "man. I feel you homie." And then, not even a few hours later, here comes Mom with this stamp. The stamp that made her smile, because she thought of me. But made me cringe because it's a reminder of what's ultimately missing from my life. Shit, I can't even get a man who can truly and honestly love me all the way.
I mean, even if I buy the huge house, hit up the adoption agency (which will incidentally give me hell since i'll be a single parent) and somehow by the grace of God finally walk out with a son, I wouldn't have given birth to him. If he needs a kidney or something, there's the chance that I wont be a match. He'll have a whole set of issues to deal with upon reaching the age where he wants to know where his dad is, when I have to explain to him that not only does he not have a dad, I'm not really his mom either. How fucked is that?
All that shit could be avoided if I could just have my own.
Naw, scratch that. All this shit could be avoided if I had something else to think about. I'm going to Quiznos.
posted by ~~~. at 11/13/2004 05:30:00 PM
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