Crushes are stupid.

I've got my man back, and it would seem that all is well.

Notice the use of the word "seem".

What I wanna know is, how is it that you can just get a crush on someone for no damn reason? I mean, you know there's no point, so why does it even happen? I know how much I love my baby, thats why I took him back. Because I didn't want to be without him. And yet, I caught myself thinking about someone I've never met.

Stupid as fuck, I know.

I think its all in the fact that a relationship with the aforementioned isn't an option. Maybe my slow ass mind thinks its fun to say stuff like: "If I werent so-and-so", "If he wasn't way over there", "If I had so-and-so", "If I looked like such-and-such", "If I could blah-blah-blah", "If he could yadda-yadda-yadda". A whole bunch of hypothetical shit that could never ever happen.

I don't think it's fun.

I actually had to visualize myself having sex with Baby to stop myself from drifting off into la la land about this dude. I am so disgusted with myself. I finally resolve to take my man back, and now I've got visions of some negro that I've NEVER SEEN floating through my mind.

And how come the criteria niggas list for their women are always something simple... something that YOU fit into? He did that last night. We were talking and I'm giving my opinion on his situation (because I'm always trying to help some-damn-body). He mentioned that a woman that holds his attention needs to be into one thing. One thing that I happened to fit into very well. My mind picked up on that, but I brushed off the notion to myself like, "Nah... not you stupid." But once I went to bed, that raggedy ass thought was there, like, "Coulda been you." Then starts the If's all over again.

That shit ain't right. I think I'm gonna stop making friends. Because men who are intelligent and down-to-earth are hard to find around here. And whenever I cross one as a friend, my stupid mind makes up all these reasons to try and hook up with them. It never works out. Never. Because there's always something I'm missing. So why even bother.

Besides, I want to be with Baby! I don't wanna think about no other dude, especially some dude I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN. The shit ain't right. I'm hella ashamed of myself. I wish I could have better control over my mind, because I feel like shit this morning for my mental infidelity.

I need help.