And just a little resentful

Well the worst thing about fantasies is that them shits aint true.

I realized that this morning when I woke up smiling, only to realize where I was and who I was with... my own damn self.

Its something about waking up by yourself when you've deluded yourself for the majority of the night. It's a good kick to the ass. And its no secret that I need a lot of kicks to the ass where this is concerned.

I'm not gonna outline the magnificent time I had with the Un-Crush in my mind. Thats for me. But at one point I realized I'd missed a crucial detail. I had no clue what his voice sounded like. I know how he looks. I kinda have the gist of the way he might speak. But I have no damn idea what it would sound like if he actually spoke. So I had to improvise quick.

I thought of the voices that I like. Off the top of my head Shyne and I-20 from DTP came to mind. I figure those voices might be a bit too deep, so I decided maybe Ludacris' voice should be mixed in. So he ended up somewhere between Shyne, I-20, and Luda. Shit, worked for me.

And then I made his singing voice sound like Jojo Hailey. So I was good at that point.

I realize why I fight this so hard though. I fight it because it's never gonna happen. All the happy, mushy, sexy stuff cannot go down between he and I. And when I let my mind wander off too far, its almost painful to come back to the reality that the shit aint real.

In a way, thats a good thing. Because nothing makes you get over someone like some painful shit. So I may just be on to something where my recovery is concerned.

The more we talk the more I see that we're too different. He's got a natural, wandering spirit, I'm hella settled. He gets bored easy. I dont have to run all over the place to feel like I'm happy. I'm much happier somewhere where I feel safe. Ultimately that ain't the kinda woman he needs. He needs someone who's gonna be hyper just like his ass, and down to move all the time. When I move outta here, thats basically gonna be it. I cant see myself moving every so many years. Theres no calm in that. And I'm a calm bitch. I think it would stress me out to constantly live in fear of one day failing to hold his attention.

There was another, really big difference. But I cant remember it right now.

There's also the fact that he's got a zillion female friends, all of which fit his criteria in one way or the other. They're basically all different, but each of them has something he's attracted to. Thats too many heffas in one kitchen as far as I'm concerned. That spells out issues to me, and I don't like issues.

All these things pointing to the "NO" sign... and I still cant get my head outta my ass where he's concerned. Go figure.

At least I slept well.