Quieting my soul
I am trying to find my center.
It's eluding me right now though. I didn't call him last night, and I don't plan to call him tonight either. It's hard to do, because even when I don't call him, I still see him. And seeing him is what got me into trouble Monday night. Now I know he'll be there when I get home, because he told me on Monday he was off work today. So he's gonna be posted in full view when I roll up.
I don't know what to do.
It's easy to say I'm going to leave him alone, not call, and not touch him anymore. But I only last a few days before I mess it all up. I know he's not gonna change, and I knew this was a less than permanent arrangement when I undertook the relationship. But neither of those facts are lending me any resolve in the matter.
I cannot afford to keep wavering on this. He is who he is, and I cannot do anything about it. But how do you stop wanting someone? Its been a long time since I've been so physically in tuned with another person. Usually they disgust me so that it is no problem to cut them off. But I'm so connected to him physically that my emotions are all screwed up. I can't focus long enough to get him out of my system.
I miss stupid things he'd say, like "turn your nipples off, I've got to go to work in a few minutes, and they're gonna make me late". I miss how he'd snatch my socks and throw them accross the room so I'd put my cold feet on him. He said I had "baby feet". He loved my feet. I miss how he's grab my ass, or slap it so he could watch it shake. Just too silly for words. And the sillyness is what I loved. He was sensually silly, if there is such a thing. It's getting harder each day to stay away from him. I'm kinda losing sight of my dignity when it comes to standing my ground here.
Maybe I should just say "Fuck it".
But then I'll be pissed at him again over something he knows better than to say or do. And then I'll be right back here at square one. I tell you the truth, men are more complications and heartache than they're worth sometimes. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck to do here.
It's eluding me right now though. I didn't call him last night, and I don't plan to call him tonight either. It's hard to do, because even when I don't call him, I still see him. And seeing him is what got me into trouble Monday night. Now I know he'll be there when I get home, because he told me on Monday he was off work today. So he's gonna be posted in full view when I roll up.
I don't know what to do.
It's easy to say I'm going to leave him alone, not call, and not touch him anymore. But I only last a few days before I mess it all up. I know he's not gonna change, and I knew this was a less than permanent arrangement when I undertook the relationship. But neither of those facts are lending me any resolve in the matter.
I cannot afford to keep wavering on this. He is who he is, and I cannot do anything about it. But how do you stop wanting someone? Its been a long time since I've been so physically in tuned with another person. Usually they disgust me so that it is no problem to cut them off. But I'm so connected to him physically that my emotions are all screwed up. I can't focus long enough to get him out of my system.
I miss stupid things he'd say, like "turn your nipples off, I've got to go to work in a few minutes, and they're gonna make me late". I miss how he'd snatch my socks and throw them accross the room so I'd put my cold feet on him. He said I had "baby feet". He loved my feet. I miss how he's grab my ass, or slap it so he could watch it shake. Just too silly for words. And the sillyness is what I loved. He was sensually silly, if there is such a thing. It's getting harder each day to stay away from him. I'm kinda losing sight of my dignity when it comes to standing my ground here.
Maybe I should just say "Fuck it".
But then I'll be pissed at him again over something he knows better than to say or do. And then I'll be right back here at square one. I tell you the truth, men are more complications and heartache than they're worth sometimes. I just wish I could figure out what the fuck to do here.
posted by ~~~. at 10/13/2004 10:39:00 AM
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