Is she gonna make it?

Man. It's been approximately 15 hours since I quit him and I'm already trippin.

I think I need more to do here at work, because I'm seeing his face every couple of seconds, I'm hearing his voice and feeling his arms. I hate imaginary hugs, they never feel quite as good as the real thing. But I always feel them right before he calls me or before I call him.

Now I cant call him. And I hope he doesn't call me. My resolve isn't feeling too strong this morning. I'm beginning to wish I'd never left him, despite the fact that he is so heinously wrong in all that has taken place over the past weeks.

*damn I hate it when people just barge in here smelling like ol' nasty cafeteria spaghetti from Compton Unified School District circa 1980.*

Anyway, yeah. I'm missing him big time. I wish that we could just go back to when I didn't really care about his feelings (and I assume he didn't care about mine). Things are always so simple when it's all fuckin' no feeling. But I guess it just wasn't meant to go down like that. I do care about him... way too much. Shit, I love him. And I hate loving people because thats when shit gets all fucked up. I love this nigga to death. And I don't like the thought of being without him. I don't like the thought of him not rubbing my braids with oil, of not being able to get hugs, of not feeling his breath on my neck while we take a nap. I hate this. I hate the fact that I'm going to be missing all the shit I just got used to experiencing with him. I hate the fact that he's so determined to be an obstinate asshole that he can't see how fucked over I am behind this. He'll never see how fucked over I am.

I don't let niggas see that shit in me.

But that's besides the point. He knows I love him. I can't see why he'd willingly continue to piss me off. He ain't retarded, he doesn't have some condition like ADHD or some shit. He's sane. So what gives?

I'm glad I'm not a cryer. Because I can feel it inside but it wont come out.

I miss him. I'm already missing his arms and chest, I'm missing his tattoos that I'm not gonna be able to see in the great detail I've grown used to. Man. I know folks on my other blog would tell me "I've got it bad" if they heard me talking like this. But they're right, I do have it bad. I don't know when it's gonna pass, but I hope it does soon. It doesn't help that I'm pledging a sorority right now, so I've got all that mental bullshit to endure in the midst of mourning my relationship. I wish I could crawl under a fuckin rock and stay there until Baby came to his senses and this other mess was over.

I am so sad right now. Boooo.