I'm going to hell.

I just know it.

I know what I'm supposed to do, and I just cant do it. I'm being tortured by various ex'es, and I'm torturing myself. Since he isn't moving things are that much more difficult for me.

As it stands, I've failed not once, but twice since I left him.

I was back in the bed with him Saturday night. And the same thing happened, I didn't feel bad about the sex at all. It was like he wanted to show me what I'd be missing if I ever got the cajones to walk away from him.

And I dont think I'll be able to do it.

I mean, I'm trying. But he's so beautiful in his own way. I love looking at him so much, and I love touching him even more. I'd be a lying heffa if I said otherwise.

I'm trying to move away now. I need to be out of the neighborhood with the quickness. I'm sitting here fighting back tears right now because I hate myself for what I keep doing. I tried to go to church today but I couldn't even make it there because there was a nasty wreck on the 10 fwy. I couldn't even make it to the 15 fwy. So I had to turn around and come back home.

So not only am I a first class fornicating huzzy, I'm a super backslider because I couldn't even get to Jesus' house for some help. And I only need so much help. I honestly feel like crap right now. I want more than anything just to be truly happy again. My work (which I love) is now a source of anxiety for me. I can't get to church. I can't leave this man alone, so that means I'll never get a man who really, honestly loves me and wants to make me happy. I'm stuck in this half-ass existence, in a piece of a relationship, in a sham of a life.

I guess it could be worse, a lot worse. But since it isn't worse, this is looking and feeling mighty bad.

I didn't spend the night with him. He held me so tightly last night. It was different... like he knew I was trying to walk away from him and he just wouldn't let me. It's so unfair. I wanted to stay but I knew that his only motive was to get me to stay. Do just enough to keep me from leaving. Truth be told I shouldn't have went over there in the first place, and I don't know why I did. I just hate feeling alone, and I do love his raggedy ass. But he ain't right. He ain't right for me, he ain't right period. And I know this, yet I continue to deal with it. I don't even understand myself anymore.

I need to walk away from him. I need someone who is down for me like I am for them, not just someone who can dick me down. Because although he's ultra good, I know that if I was really loved it would be that much better. I refuse to believe that I have to trade in bomb sex for love. There has to be a man out there with 9 and a half inches and a tongue sent from above with the ability to love his woman with all he has in him. I know he exists. But I'm beginning to think that maybe I don't deserve to find him, maybe I'm being punished.

Cold business.

Oh well. I guess the torment will end someday. I just wish I knew when, so I could know how much more of this sadness I have to endure. I'm so sick of being sad, wanting him to be what he refuses to be, wanting to make something work that is plainly doomed for destruction.

I just want to be loved, is that so much to ask? Man.

Lemme go turn off this David Ruffin. He can't be helping this any.