I don't feel well.

My nerves are acting up again. I miss my man, and I don't feel up to the BS I've signed on for tonight.

Sometimes I have to wonder what is it in me that was so hell bent to go through with this, even after many many heffas showed their asses. I still have no answer to the question.

It isn't gonna last long, I know. And supposedly it's all good with everyone once its over. Despite my affinity for certain folks there, I can't help feeling like I'm paying for friends. But then I tell myself that it's bigger than that, I'm going to be helping a lot of people, and working hard for a cause. That kinda shuts up the little naysaying voice in my head.

But it doesn't shut it up 100%. Because I know how I am. I don't like being harrassed, antagonized or anything else... especially without the ability to retaliate. I'm really big on retaliation and vindication, in case you didn't know.

I have no recourse.

I've given a bunch of evil heffas license to do whatever the hell they please to me for as long as they see fit. And somehow, this is supposed to make me feel bound to these same broads. Maybe ol' girl thats going through with me. But the inflictors? Naw homie. I can't see this bringing me any closer to them, seeing as how they tend to lean towards despising me in the first place.

I'm just glad I've got folks there that I love and that love me. Because I cant see me putting up with shit without them. But damn. I'm just not feeling this right now. I'm sure it's because of what happened between him and me. But it's all growing to feel like much.

Oh well, just had to tell someone.